Because They Can

I have a friend that’s doing the whole online dating thing. She was supposed to go out on a date with this guy on the weekend. Two nights before the date, he texts her late at night and asks if she would like to come over. She calls him out on the bootie call invitation, he plays innocent. Then she cancels their date, he gets mad and insults her (something about that’s why he doesn’t date black chicks, which black chicks LOVE to hear), she has a comeback for him, then a racially charged insult-fest ensues.

After texting all her friends a snapshot of the text exchange so we could all have a nice laugh , she lamented why guys still did the text bootie call thing.

Because they can.

Okay. I have to talk about this bootie call thing. Unlike my dear friend, I am not shocked that men fish for this. Guys do it because it works. Some girls will say no. But then there are others who will go for it. Guys are about results. They do what works and then they beat it to death until it doesn’t work anymore. Asking girls to come over late at night works. It just does. Is this the guys fault? Hell no. If no girl ever fell for that BS, guys would stop doing it.

True story.

It’s just logic.

I can’t even be that mad at dudes anymore. In fact I’m annoyed with the girls MORE. Because some lonely, bored desperate chick keeps saying yes telling men everywhere that this is all he needs to do to get laid. Guys do it because they can. And that charmer I mentioned above will likely have some girl up in his house at some point by doing the exact thing he did to my friend. Which was just ask in a text.

Just remember ladies, whenever a guy does something stupid to get into your pants to date you, it’s most likely because some stupid chick let him in the past. It’s our fault. Or he’s a clueless jerk. But 9 times out of 10, it’s the former.

Weekend Getaway

So I’ve been slacking in catching up with your blogs lately because I have been seeing someone on the regular.

He was a guy I met a few months  ago while clubbing. We exchanged numbers. He’s been traveling in and out of town (I threatened to climb into one of his suitcases many times). He does something in sales and marketing blah blah blah (I’m sure he’ll bring that topic up again). We went out to dinner a few times as friends when he was in town but I didn’t think much of him besides being a fun and free meal since he was gone a lot and I have A.D.D. A few weeks ago, we were going out and it occurred to me that he never brought up girls or dating. This usually means he’s gay or that he does some fucked up shizz with the ladies and doesn’t want me to know about it so I won’t judge his virtue datability. I decided to be nosy so I could use it against him later.

I say to him, “What’s up with you and the dating situation? You got a girl in each area code, as they say?”

“What?”

“Don’t be shy. Gimme the deets. What girl, or giirrrrllllsss, are you keeping on the DL!”

“Actually, I was waiting for you to ask me out.”

“Well, you would be waiting a long time, because I don’t ask dudes out.”

“We should definitely go out.”

“You can’t take me to dinner cuz we’ve been there and done that. So what else you got?”

“Name it.”

“Tahiti”.

He  looked at me to see if I was joking.

“You asked,” I said, playfully.

“Done. But maybe we should do something else on our first date?”

“Laser tag then.”

He still wasn’t sure if I was joking. I wasn’t.

“Yes, then laser tag.”

“Good because I’ve been wanting to kick someone’s ass in that for a long time now.”

“Are you a pro laser tag player?”

“No.”

“When was the last time you played?”

“In high school.” I smiled.

“You’re on.”

BTW, I did kick his ass. Barely. The most important part of this post is that we are traveling this weekend with my bikini! (Not to Tahiti, I don’t even know where that is.) So I won’t be on here. But because I’m not one of those bitches who forgets everyone else when she is with someone, I have pre-scheduled my Friday & Saturday posts for you so you won’t jump off a cliff from missing me. You’re welcome.

Sexpectations

I remember having drunch (lunch/dinner?) with a girlfriend and a guy friend of mine. And the subject came around to first dates and sex. The guy tells us that he would never sleep with a girl unless she knew how to have an orgasm by pleasing herself.

“How do you know if she can?”, my girlfriend asked.

“Because I make her pleasure herself in front of me before we can ever have sex.”

This bitch. I knew better than to say anything smart to him. Hot people can just ask for crazy shit like that. And he was hot. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper hot. Like not fake greek god twilight pretty boy hot, but Gustan from “Beauty and the Beast” Don Draper true greek god manly handsome hot. So I’m sure girls were down with showin him what they got. Literally.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

So while my friend was contemplating how she might have to audition for dick (she sooo wants to hit that),  I contemplated all the crazy shit men expect us to do once we enter the bedroom.

Do you guys study the red shoe diaries and pornos or something as though it were a training manual? Guess what, most women don’t. This isn’t 16^th century in China where girls are shipped off to whore houses to learn the fine art of seduction and looking pretty 24/7. So if you’re looking for a professional, you know where to go. Guess where most women learn about sex? Trial and error, bitches. Sometimes, I feel like I have walked into a cirque du soleil stage where ‘acts’ are to be performed  instead of a bedroom. Have you ever done it on a Velcro wall? Can you be a human pretzel while playing a flute? Can you slide down a pole and give a BJ at the same time? No bitch! I ain’t auditioning for shit!

You do know that those bitches in porn are faking all those orgasms right? Just like most women do while having sex with you. This is the new millennium and America, and we learned about sex through actual experience at frat parties (or any other school dance function party), public parks and the backseat of cars. So just remember that shit next time you, by the grace of God, were lucky enough to have a naked girl in front of you.

There really needs to be a school of some sort for men to learn the art of seducing and pleasing a woman. Or at least some lessons on how to separate fact from fiction in porno’s.

How to Get Ready for a Date

…by Jenna Marbles. She pretty much covers it.

Go Hard or Go Home

I was talking to a male friend the other night and mentioned that I had a date with a co-worker who finally grew a pair and asked me out. My dear, dear, macho friend said that it was a bad idea to go out with him, because if I had really liked this guy, I wouldn’t have cared how he asked me out. I would be happy watching a movie on his laptop on our lunch break while eating the candy my job has out for the customers just to be around him. And I told my friend, that is just plain BS!!!!!! And here’s why.

I mean, maybe back when I was twelve, googly eyed, and clueless, I didn’t care if I was watching my crush practice baseball while I sat in the freezing cold on the bleachers hoping for a wave or a smile. I didn’t care if our first date was going to be at the arcade with his friends and being bored so he could hold my hands for five minutes in between playing his next game. I didn’t care about sitting in the break-room at his job at K-mart during his lunch break while we watched CNN on the TV and ate frozen dinners is mom bought him just because I had a crush on him and wanted to be near him. So before puberty happened, that logic rang true to me.

It was all fun and games once…

I am a woman now, damn it, and you will impress me! You will take me out. And you will ask me out the way I think you should. Or else. You will hear it. If not now, then down the road when we are innocently eating dinner you will get a backhanded comment about that cheap first date with you and your buds. Or when we hang out with friends I will give a sarcastic comment about how our first few dates was watching your “Godfather” DVD’s at your house. And when you show me your new XBox, I will mutter how you must’ve saved money from our extravagant, expensive first date of eating Doritos in your garage listening to your band’s demo. And when someone else comes along offering to treat me the way I want to be treated, you won’t hear anything, cuz my ass will just be gone.

And I don’t care if you’re the hottest, richest, most endowed, intelligent and charming combination of Matt Bomer, Daniel Craig, and Kayne West. Shit, you best put your best foot forward. Impress me. Tell me you want to take me out, let me dress up and we go out and (try!) to enjoy each other’s company. Dating 101! I KNOW I am not interested if you are not capable of that. I’m not just makin up hoops for you to jump through cuz I don’t like you! If I don’t like you, I ignore you won’t go out with you.

Matt Bomer, just cuz.

But guys seem to think they can get away with not doing that because they’re all that (calm down, you’re not). Or they’re too scared of rejection and try to do the imaskingyououtbutnotreallyunlessyousayyes approach. Go hard or go home.

Because we all know it’s downhill from there, so please let’s at least start at the top.

Third Wheel

I know that first dates get a bad rap from people, including me, but for the most part, I like them. Everything’s new and fresh and exciting and not spoiled by reality and disappointment. For all I know, you are the man of my dreams. I could get a car outta this. I could get a big rock. I could get a lifetime supply of shoes, or laughter. And I love meeting new men, it’s like getting a cereal box and wondering what toy surprise is inside. Whatcha gonna get? Dopey, richey, chatty, charming, sex on legs? You never know sometimes until it’s too late. In the least, I could have a rockin time. And really, that’s what a first date should be about; fun (aka buying me shit) and not bursting the bubble of reality that will sneak up on our asses and clock us in the throat eventually.

It is not, however, a time for you to multitask entertaining your family by bringing your older, but thinks he’s still young, cousin along.

First of all, that’s a bold move, son. What if I had hit it off with your cousin and we left you in the corner while we made out by the bathrooms? And while I did hit it off with the wealthier, more bitter, and delusional cousin, I thought he was too old bitter to get down with. I really should’ve been thinking about how I could work both these guys without it turning into an orgie situation but instead I was just weirded out by my dudes’ blatant lack of seducing skills and willingness to just fuck it all up and throw it in the trash can of wasted and forgotten dreams, prom dresses and unwanted babies. He wasn’t even trying.

Dear Men of the World- you have to at least PRETEND you give a fuck on the first date. At least on the first date! Do you hear me??????? Damn!

This dude was so out of his league it wasn’t even funny. And honestly, I think it’s why he brought his cousin along. He didn’t even know what to do with me now that he had convinced me to go out on a date. We basically had a babysitter with us. I am appalled for playas everywhere because of this dude. It was like the training wheels of dating (do I have to mention this dude was in his mid-30’s? I think I do).

The Drive By

I get that men have the burden of rejection when asking us out. I get that it’s sometimes hard and exhausting. I don’t care. It’s exhausting putting you in line. And many girls have the burden of feeling rejection after giving it up too soon. So I hear. So take it like a man and open your mouth and ask me if I’d like to hang out with you in a restaurant where you pay at a future date.

I don’t get the quasi-let’s-hang-but-it-may-or-may-not-be-a-date-depending-on-whether-you-say-yes. It’s fear. It’s half-assed. Do you wanna half-assed fuck me? Didn’t think so. Then ask me out.

I work in customer service. I’m supposed to help people but secretly I’m just there to look good for my public. A co-worker of mine has been trying to work me since I started. Telling me jokes. Asking me questions. So far so good. Especially if you’re actually funny. Which he was. He finds out through another co-worker that I’m single. Then makes a big deal about how if he had known sooner, he would have asked me out. Which would’ve been a good time to actually ask me out. He doesn’t. Life goes on.

Then at the end of his shift, he clocks out then quickly walks by me on his way to the exit doors and says, “We gonna go out, okay. Somewhere really nice.” Then he runs out before I even realize he was talking to me.

Um,  I know that wasn’t a question. I’m not sure what that was, but that wasn’t asking me out on a date. Because now- what? I’m supposed to follow up with him and ask him when? I have to track him down now? Or check to see if, in fact, he really did ask me out? The ball’s in my court now? I don’t fuckin think so. And my friends say, oh you know what he meant, he asked you out, blah blah blah blah blah. No bitches. What I do know is that if a dude really likes you and has a pair, he will say, I am taking you out, this is when and this is where. There is no doubt what is going on. The only words that should be coming out of my mouth is “hells yeah!” not “um, are we gonna go out cuz I have nothing better to do on a Friday night, and am desperate and no one wants me so I’m following you around hoping you’ll give me 30 minutes of attention this weekend”. No!

What you dudes fail to realize is that your first encounters with us reveal a LOT about how the dating and relationship will go down. (Just like first impressions in a job interview. You wouldn’t show up in jeans and a ripped T-shirt saying that you kinda sort of want to get a paycheck, would you. Would you?) How am I so sure? Experience. So now, I’m thinking, what else is he gonna half- ass that I’m gonna have to step up to make sure it’s done right? Gifts? Promises? Giving me money? And most importantly, sex? The next time I saw that dude I didn’t mention anything and neither did he. So I was right, nothing did happen.