Published May 30, 2012 by bossymoksie

I remember having drunch (lunch/dinner?) with a girlfriend and a guy friend of mine. And the subject came around to first dates and sex. The guy tells us that he would never sleep with a girl unless she knew how to have an orgasm by pleasing herself.

“How do you know if she can?”, my girlfriend asked.

“Because I make her pleasure herself in front of me before we can ever have sex.”

This bitch. I knew better than to say anything smart to him. Hot people can just ask for crazy shit like that. And he was hot. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper hot. Like not fake greek god twilight pretty boy hot, but Gustan from “Beauty and the Beast” Don Draper true greek god manly handsome hot. So I’m sure girls were down with showin him what they got. Literally.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

So while my friend was contemplating how she might have to audition for dick (she sooo wants to hit that),  I contemplated all the crazy shit men expect us to do once we enter the bedroom.

Do you guys study the red shoe diaries and pornos or something as though it were a training manual? Guess what, most women don’t. This isn’t 16th century in China where girls are shipped off to whore houses to learn the fine art of seduction and looking pretty 24/7. So if you’re looking for a professional, you know where to go. Guess where most women learn about sex? Trial and error, bitches. Sometimes, I feel like I have walked into a cirque du soleil stage where ‘acts’ are to be performed  instead of a bedroom. Have you ever done it on a Velcro wall? Can you be a human pretzel while playing a flute? Can you slide down a pole and give a BJ at the same time? No bitch! I ain’t auditioning for shit!

You do know that those bitches in porn are faking all those orgasms right? Just like most women do while having sex with you. This is the new millennium and America, and we learned about sex through actual experience at frat parties (or any other school dance function party), public parks and the backseat of cars. So just remember that shit next time you, by the grace of God, were lucky enough to have a naked girl in front of you.

There really needs to be a school of some sort for men to learn the art of seducing and pleasing a woman. Or at least some lessons on how to separate fact from fiction in porno’s.


4 comments on “Sexpectations

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