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“Don’t Trust the B- in Apt. 23” Review

Published May 9, 2012 by bossymoksie

More vogue-ing than bitch face.

*Although the title avoids the word, bitch will be said a lot in this post.

So, I like to get my bitchy on. Naturally when I heard about this show, I accidentally watched it when my Hulu.com autoplay feature was on had to check it out to see if I could see yet another incarnation of myself on TV. But I was severely disappointed. The story revolves around a nice girl (the blonde) moving into an apartment with a bitchy girl (the brunette) and ‘hilarity’ ensues.

Do the writer’s even know what a bitch is? Because she is just a dumb bitch. Firstly, the girl who plays the bitch wears sweaters that say “Tres Cool” and wears black a lot. Okay. She makes similar cutesy faces as the nice girl. That is not okay. A bitch has to have a good bitch face, and this actress/character doesn’t have it. (Although the actress is giving a good Vogue-ing in the above pic).

This is how it’s done, bitches:

Vanessa Williams knows good bitch face.

This ‘bitchy’ character in the show just seems too clueless, too cutesy, and too obvious that she’s edgy and doesn’t care and is cool (her shirts are tellin us that she’s cool okay?). Also, her hair brained schemes are just dumb and are to help the blonde, nice girl. In the pilot, she sleeps with the blonde’s fiancé on her birthday cake to prove to her that he’s a cheater. Bitchy hilarity!

In the second episode, she hooks the blonde up with her- married to her mom!- dad to help her rebound from the fiancée. Hilarity! In the third episode she adopts a child to be her assistant to prove to the blonde roommate that she is more responsible. Huh?

That’s not bitchy that’s just…dumb. Like low IQ, riding the short school bus, dumb. Selfish, yes. Bitchy, no. Maybe she’s just not my kind of bitch.

In my opinion you can’t get to the height of bitchiness without being at least shrewd, if not smart. Bitches have an agenda, they don’t just be doin shit just to be doin it. They tryin to get something, go somewhere.  I like my bitches to have bitchy comeback lines, a good bitch-face, self-serving schemes, and seem to have things under control and not like they have a case of the Tourettes. I LOVE a little exasperation with some big eyerollin, and maybe an accompanying neck roll. I like my bitches to be wearin outfits and accessories that look expensive and a cunning smirk. Bitches are bitches because they are smart enough to know where to stick the knife and twist it. Not because they are clueless, rude, wild twits who wear “Tres Cool” sweaters.

I guess I will have to get my bitchy on with” GCB” and “The Ringer”. And whatever show Vanessa Williams is on. (Vanessa Williams plays the gold standard).

Oh, and James Van der Beek is a cutie. That is all.

UPDATE: The Universe, God, etc. has told me that I don’t need to watch scripted TV no more. “GCB” and “The Ringer” has been cancelled. This is the last season of Vanessa Williams being fabulous and bitchy “Desperate Housewives”. Point taken, powers that be. Point. Taken.