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All posts for the month June, 2012

Ask a Bitch!

Published June 30, 2012 by bossymoksie

I’m ready for your questions.

Where I answer your questions about love, life and hairy situations (questions in bold):

So you are saying that my date wants a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario. Will he eventually want me as his girlfriend?

Think about it. Why would he want a real relationship when he can have a fake one that’s convenient for him? Don’t think that the sex will buy you time to be the girlfriend. It won’t. If he wanted you to be his, YOU WOULD BE HIS. If you want this FWB arrangement, go for it! I doubt it since you’re askin for clarification. Which means, leave him alone. Delete his number and fill your schedule with dudes who aren’t trying to string you along with more potential.

How do you get a guy’s attention (in general)?

I walk into a room. My advice for you isn’t gonna be about hair and make-up and all that BS. If you’re attractive, people have told you this. If at least one person, besides your parents and that creepy relative, has told you that you are attractive, it means you are. Accept it. If no one has, have no fear, this advice will work for you too. First listen to this song. (Lyrics on screen).

*link JIC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O247uPo94YY

If you can be the embodiment of this song, you will have groupies no matter where you go!

How do you trap a man?
You don’t. He’s not a wild bear, contrary to his behavior.
What should I wear on the first date? This man is so hot!
Whatever you want. Serious. If you’re uncomfy, he’ll think youre socially off, dull, weird or that he’s the one making you act weird or dull.
There’s this guy at work that I have a crush on. He flirts with me a lot. Problem is, there’s this other girl at work always giving me a dirty look. She flirts with him a lot and I know she likes him. They went out on a date once but he wasn’t interested in her. So how do I handle her if he asks me out?
Puh-lease. After he hits it and quits it with you like he did with her, you two will be bonding over cookie dough and rom-com movie rentals in no time.
*****
If you want my bitchy advice, please ask away in the comments section or email me at bossymoksie@gmail.com. I will answer in a future blog post.

If you don’t want my bitchy advice, you might get it anyway.

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Baby, One More Time

Published June 29, 2012 by bossymoksie

One Lovely Blogger Award!I am not referring to another dull round with Mr. Okay. I am referring to getting another award. Yes! I wants all the awards. This time, I promise to do everything in one post! (Which is why it took me so long to make this post).

I have been called many, many things in my life. And lovely has been one of them! And now my blog has been called it that name too! Thank you artgirlnyc for nominating me.

And you know the drill by now: rules. In accepting this award, I probably should must:
  1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.
  2. Post the blog award image on your page.
  3. Tell 7 facts about yourself.
  4. Nominate 15 other blogs and let the nominees know they been chosen.

Oh baby, baby…

I must confess:

1.I’m a leo.
2.I can kill knats with my bare hands.
3.I love shopping. For anything. I could be shopping for paper and I would love it.
4.I still haven’t been to my personal facebook page since I got mad at it.
5.I prefer dogs over cats.
6.I can’t wait to see Magic Mike. Dancing and abs! Thankyouverymuch.
7.If I could sing, I would never talk again. I would just SANG everything.
*link JIC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKdZJbAZ_4E
Nominations for the lovelies:
http://didwedosomethingtodeservethis.wordpress.com/
http://snarkatussin.wordpress.com/
http://simplystephanieblog.wordpress.com/

Also, my WordPress reader is actin a fool, so if you haven’t seen me around, it’s because I didn’t know you posted something new!

I appreciate the support my lovelies! (warning: another award post to come).

Scavengers

Published June 28, 2012 by bossymoksie

Male scavengers, just trying to see what they can get.

So I had to let Mr. Okay go. We went to lunch the other day and it was the looooongest lunch of my life. When I looked at my cell phone for the time, I saw that only an HOUR had gone by???!!!!! He’s much more fun when I’m drunkon night dates.

After a break up there’s at least one guy who wants to help me get over the previous dude in my time of vulnerability need. Sometimes it’s nice to know someone will always be around to give you attention. Sometimes I get fuckin annoyed that you are at my window with your cupped hands, hoping for a breast to fall in your face a hand out.

Scavengers are the guys who are tryin to get the leftovers. Like vultures in a desert hovering over a half dead, vulnerable prey who’s about to spread their legs die off so that they can swoop in for the kill. These are the guys to avoid when it comes to relationships. They’re the opportunists who spot a weakness and try to get what they want from it, no matter what, even if it means kickin you when you’re down. The result? Usually that they make you feel worse, not better. And I am a HUGE fan of feeling better, good, best, and great. Dudes, don’t be that way. I’d rather be with a dude that loves my strengths, not loves taking advantage of a weak moment.

Unless it’s a rebound.

SEMI-RELATED POSTS:

Why We Went Out With You

Weekend Getaway

The Unicorn

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Leave Me the Hell Alone!

I Could’ve Had a Castle, and Worn a Ring!

Published June 26, 2012 by bossymoksie

Marraige. Love optional.

So, the marraige proposals. Let’s go down memory lane one by one, shall we?

The first one was right before graduating high school. He was very cute and convinced that we would never see each other again. That’s why he cornered me after school and suggested we get married. I had no clue what he was talking about, but he turned out to be right, we never did see each other again after graduation. He was cool, but we actually never did date. I was friends with his smart younger brother who always listened to my problems and did my homework for me. We were like besties. Anyway, the cute brother was my fake boyfriend once so I could get this other guy off my back. We were in fake relationship bliss when he publicly dumped me by taking some girl to a club we snuck into that we all hung out at. I was at home painting my nails sparkly gold when a text blast blew up my phone of people siting my fake boyfriend with his real date. How dare he? Turns out, the guy I was avoiding had challenged him to a duel or some ish by the basketball courts and instead of fighting for my honor, he hooked up with another chick for a real relationship. Looking back, I think the marriage wouldn’t have worked out anyway because when the going gets tough, he ran into another bitch’s arms.

(Fake) breaking up is hard to do.

Number two. I pretty well off dude. Accounting. Okay looking. And boring as fuck. I dated him and we had some good times. He said I made him feel alive. Of course I did, he was a walking piece of cardboard. He had to move for his job and decided to propose to me so I would go with him. But the thought of spending the rest of my life with him and his money made me want to jump out a window due to boredom. I declined.

Avoided marraige to cardboard.

Three. Went to Vegas with a few girls. That’s where I met…I don’t really remember his name. Tom, let’s say. Tom and I hit it off instantly. We got each other’s humor. We read each other’s minds. We were both really wasted. Naturally, I wanted to have a Britney moment and he was on the same page. Everything made sense under drunk logic and was awesome. (Drunk logic always seems more logical and you wonder why you didn’t think of these things or agree with them when you’re sober.) Dude didn’t have the money to have the quickie wedding of our dreams and I think it was a sign from God. I mean if he can’t pay for the wedding, he can’t pay for the annulment. Or the divorce and my alimony payments. Vegas weddings for shits and giggles are never wise.

Brit Brit moment.

Last but not least. A financier. Wall street type. Tall and handsome. Took me wherever I wanted to go. Let me do most of the talking. Jack pot yes? Not when the proposal is accompanied with ‘you don’t wanna die alone, wrinkly with 20 cats do you?’ Why did he have to go there? To my worst fear of being ugly old and surrounded by pets that I’m allergic to? That was just mean. Just because I look good on your arm and like your money doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings and fears too! Is that how he’s gonna play it? And these threats will haunt me all throughout the marriage. Wash the dishes or else you’ll die alone. Clean the house or I’ll adopt a cat. Get me my coffee because no one else will date your wrinkly ass now. No, no, hell no. If anyone’s gonna be doing the manipulating/insulting it’s me!

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos!

I firmly believe the execution and effort put into the proposal influences how things will go down the marriage, and I have no regrets. My proposal should involve fireworks, a horse-drawn carriage, a big ring, undying compliments and devotion, candle light, a rainbow, violins coming from seemingly nowhere, rose petals, and an audience. Then and only then, will I know he is the one. I’m still young and have plenty of time to break more hearts to find my king!

Those aren’t fake angels, those are REAL PEOPLE dangling from the ceiling! Now that’s an impressive effort.

Get Me to the Church On Time

Published June 25, 2012 by bossymoksie

Haven’t been inside of one of these in a long while…

Religious dudes are just like any other dude. Horny. I love it when they preach to me about the Bible and righteous living. Because your actions tell me how righteous you really are. One time, I met this dude from Belize at a party. He was cute. We exchanged numbers. As we talk on the phone to get to know each other, he tells me that he is religious. He lectures me on my drinking, bitchy, gluttonous way of life. Whatever dude.

He invites me to a family barbeque. This should be good. We go and have a good time, I meet all his family and bible thumping friends. He then asks if I can stay the night. Flat out. But he has church the next morning so I’ll have to leave early. Unless I want to go with him. Hell no.(pun intended).  So I say, sure, a smirk on my lips. When we go to his place, I make sure to tuck him into bed. Like a little baby. It wasn’t what he expected.

“Well, you gotta be rested, for God.” I tell him.

He tries to squirm his arms from under the blankets to pull me in bed with him.”God would understand.”

“Would he? Would he? I mean we aren’t married. I know I’m a heathen but the bible says that much.”

“It does, but you don’t have to follow every rule word for word.”

Mock horrified, “I thought you were righteous! You were really showin’ me the way you know. Let’s cuddle in honor of God instead. Then you’ll be all nice and rested for church tomorrow.”

He is too drunk and lets it go.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Needless to say it didn’t work out.

Oh and he was on time for church the next morning.

A (Frustrated) Nice Guy’s Response

Published June 24, 2012 by bossymoksie

Nice guys- too uncomfortable to tell a bitch she be trippin’.

So, here’s a message a faithful reader sent to me (in bold):

Hey,

You are so full of shit. lol
 
“Women want an honest guy?” suuuure you do. Stop asking us trick questions  then! You women never want a guy to be completely honest. You’d kick us to the  curb the first time we stuck our foot in our mouths!
 
For example:
 
“Does this dress make my butt look too big?”
“Honey is that woman prettier then me?”
“Does this outfit make me look fat?”
“You’re not going to play cards with the boys are you?”
“What do you think of this outfit?”
“What do you think of my new hairdo?”
“What are you doing?” (Something we shouldn’t… drr)
“I just bought this and it was on sale! Isn’t that great??”
“Where are you going?” (shopping for gift/golf/bar/hang with the  guys)
“I think we need to talk. Right?” (During a game or intimate moment)
“Honey which is more important to you, me or your car?”
 
Rrrriiiiiight. Honest. Sure. Catch twenty two. If we’re honest  we’re in the dog house, if we’re not… then what?  There are a reason  little white lies exist dear. To keep us alive, keep our cajones  intact, keep us from being kicked to the curb, and to stroke your ego  just the way you want it. Think about it.

First of all, those are the dumbest fuckin questions I’ve ever heard. The only ones that should ever be asked is “What do you think of this outfit?” but ONLY in a flirting capacity and “What are you doing?” and only because you want something from him want to show interest in his day.

Unfortunately, girls do ask these questions and you’ve dated them. Before I throw you a pity party, lemme once again remind you of a few dumbass questions we women are subjected to (pre-relationship btw!) like “Do you cook?”Are you crazy?” or “What does a guy have to do to have sex with you?”. (Abridged answers: Not for you, yes, and lol loser).

But I am here for you.

Which leads me to my second point, as I said in my previous post, nice guys are uncomfortable with being honest which is why they choose to deal with above questions as though they are trying to shoo away an annoying fly. You do this because you are being a pussy uncomfortable about how you really think and feel. And if she’s not dense, she will sense your insincerity. (Even if she doesn’t admit it to herself or call you out on it). And now look, you all mad and frustrated about the situation.

Guys don’t enjoy being kicked in the ass when they need it but they respect it and appreciate it. Same goes for women. If you think it’s a stupid, trick question, address it. Just don’t be a dick about it. Be honest. You aren’t dense and see that those questions are about validation, and she’s given you the job to give it to her.
So here’s my solution for you.
First, I have to assume that since you’re a nice guy, you are with her for the right reasons? Because she’s fuckin amazing. Good.
Next time she asks any of those questions, say to her, “Why are you being insecure about your ass/our relationship/your looks/etc.? You’re amazing.” Then kiss her, hard. Question. Answered. How’s that for honest.

I can already hear you saying  that this wouldn’t work in every scenario. Check it out:

Her: “Does this dress make my butt look too big?”

You: “Why are you being insecure about your ass? You’re amazing.”

Then you kiss her, hard.

Her: You didn’t answer my question, though. I really need to know cuz blah blah blah blah blah…

You: Your ass looks amazing to me.

Bonus! Spontaneous sex.

My girlfriend is amazing!

Phone scenario:

Her: “Honey which is more important to you, me or your car?”

You: “Why are you being insecure about our relationship? You’re amazing.”  (Makes kissing noises.)

Her: What is that noise?

You: Me making sweet, sweet love to you on the phone because I can’t wait to see you and do this in person.

Honesty plus my advice:

Her: “What are you doing?”

You: “Why are you being insecure about my actions? You’re amazing. Also, I am watching porn.”

Reaction variant: from rolling her eyes and leaving you to it to joining you.

End scene.

PS- If you’re not allowed to be honest with her, she’s not THAT amazing.

You’re welcome.