Real talk time.
I’ve been wanting to do this post for the past two months
but I’ve been procrastinating which is how I like to roll. (P.S. Why is thinking about serious, deep shit never fun? It’s never fun to sit around and have your soul start talking shit to you that you’d rather not hear. It’s much better to do…anything else. I guess if keeping it real with yourself was more fun, more of us would be doing it more often. This is why alcohol and loud music is so handy sometimes. That and a trail of guys willing to be nice distractions whenever you call.)
After my big break-up and my
cash-cow funny crash and burn date, I wanted to sit and think about what was really going on with me. It’s occured to me that I really don’t want a serious relationship. It’s not like I need to date 6 guys at one time to feed my ego. My ego is already big and is easily fed in almost any other situations. I like seeing one guy at a time, and I like knowing that someone will be there when I want attention, and the idea of sharing your life with someone who knows you and everything else that already happened is appealing. Isn’t the latter what friends are for though? But when a guy starts his serious settling down talk, I want to do this.
What you say?
Why do I have that reaction? Most of you know all the shit I talked about marriage and settling down, and how I’ve run away from a few proposals. But like any smart
bullshitter person, you can really make an argument for whichever side you feel like being on that day.
So what’s behind all those brilliant posts of yesteryear?
paid attention to all the wifey wedding crap my girlfriends talk about whenever the subject of boys comes up did an informal poll. What I realized is what pops up into their minds when it comes to marriage is way different from what pops up in my mind. Lemme show you.
THEM: A huge, glamorous wedding where everything is perfect and beautiful (meaning yourself) and everyone wants to be you. This day will be
All eyes will be on me, or they will all pay.
ME: Planning a huge party where you don’t even get to get wasted at, having to invite people you try to avoid most of the year and knowing these bitches are gonna try to hijack YOUR party to make themselves seem important and relevant because deep down they know they suck at life.
Who asked you to come anyway? Oh yeah, I did. Damn.
THEM: Babies who smile, laugh, and be cute all the time.
Awww. So precious…in a 2 dimensional picture.
ME: Babies who cry and shit all the time and YOU have to do something about it.
Oh. Dear. God.
THEM: Always having a date whenever you need one.
We ordered the same food, aren’t we so in sync and in love?
ME: Never having a date again. EVER.
Umm, what about that ‘Dateline’ show? Oh, it’s repeat. Kinda like this night.
THEM: More romantical and cuddling moments to come forever and ever and ever.
This rose is a symbol of the purity and beauty of us, and our forever love.
ME: Forgetting that the other person exists, even though you live with them.
Why even get married???
THEM: Kids that say the darndest things when out in public.
“[Love is] Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”
ME: Kids who throw a tantrum everytime you go out in public to handle your business.
Hey kid! It’s my job to throw a tantrum on the floor when I don’t get what I want.
Now you can see why I feel offended, sometimes even hurt, when the guy who says that he loves me wants to do this shit to me. WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WOULD HE WANT TO DO THIS TO ME?!
My life is the one that’s gonna change! His, not so much. Sure he gets the awesomeness that is me. And when the actual baby shit hits the fan, my smart ass will have a smart quip or solution for it. But what is he giving up besides not sleeping with other chicks. Which we all know some don’t even keep up on that ONE sacrifice.
MY life is the one that’s gonna change in a big, unpleasant way. You can call it growing up and being an adult and shit all you want. Well, I don’t wanna. So there. There it is. And if you think I’m bossy now, wait until the responsibilities start rolling in. When I order my BLT salad with a side of Ranch AND Honey Mustard dressing and extra Avacado on the side with a half and half mix of Sprite and Strawberry Lemonade, that’s not just a lunch order, that’s a sign of things to come. You’ve been warned.
Last note on fears.
One. Kids are just fucking scary! There was a time when you worried about accidentally killing your own child by doing something wrong. These days you have to worry about your kids killing YOU and everyone they know. And you know who everyone truly blames.
Gun laws. THE MOTHER. Talk about a red face! Too soon? Even if they don’t go postal on the world, the teenage years are never a picnic. They think they know everything when they know squat. I will literally roll my eyes at them everytime they walk into the room because I know they will be saying stupid shit as though they are some geniuses. And I would know!
Two. I am more afraid of this than the first fear: Boredom. Couples get busy, you get into routines, you get complacent. So then, no more spontaneity? No more adventure? No more discovery? That’s it? For most women, marriage is the endgame. But I think of it as the end…of living.
We will eat your brains and you will join us in talking only about baby formula and your husband’s favorite socks.
If marriage is the end all and be all, that’s all there is?
I sure as hell ain’t ending up here!