humor

All posts tagged humor

Four Years Flew By…

Published March 23, 2015 by bossymoksie

Hello my blogging community and followers!

I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun. And when you disappear for 10 months. 

I know, I know. You miss me. And I miss you. But I’ve been lazy busy with life stuff and haven’t had a chance to write. I’ve never forgotten you except anytime I was away from my computer plus many, many many other times. You were always on my mind except for when you weren’t.

And then I realized shit! today is my blog’s FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!!!

another year of putting up with me

So to honor my blog still being here and not deleted by WordPress due to neglect I decided to write you guys a quick shout out. And to let you know I will be back. So hang in there!

I will also honor it with something I do to honor just about anything, any day, any time this:

champagne toast

A toast to me! … and my followers.

Cheers! I hope you’re all doing well,

And see ya soon!

Bossy Moksie

Peekaboo! Me looking away from the mirror in my lap to look at YOU. See, I do love you guys!

Don’t Give a Bitch Your Credit Card

Published April 25, 2014 by bossymoksie

As I’ve mentioned before, I only like to do my job description and nothing else. If it’s not in my job description when you hire me, or promote me, I’m not doing it. And where there’s a will there’s a way. This is why I’ve never learned how to make coffee. This and because I don’t drink it. And yet, I’ve worked in several offices where people tried to make that part of my job responsibility.

It never ends up being my responsibility because I’m never the first one in the office because I’m always running late, and I’m not even drinking it and IT WASN’T IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION BITCH!

I usually get out of it by saying I don’t drink it and don’t even know how to work a coffee pot. But one job had the audacity to try to teach me. I half paid attention. Then when I had to make the coffee, I almost broke the coffee pot by flooding it. After that, they begged me to never go near it again.

Now for the main story of this post. I once had a data entry position. I was new and working a night shift. One night when I was working by myself, this supervisor FROM ANOTHER DEPARTMENT, comes over to me, and asks me if I could call Pizza Hut to order some pizza for him and his department (10 people or less) since they stayed late and were doing such a great job. I looked at him like he was crazy.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

This was my first week working by myself after training. Therefore, I was slow and had work to do. So, no, I was not eager to jump up and do his bidding just to impress a superior or get his approval since I was new. Especially since he wasn’t directly my boss. Furthermore, I am not one of those girls who likes to make sure other grown ass adults are fed, comforted, and taken care of. Because I don’t give a fuck. (And there were a few women that worked there that are like that and would have gladly done this). Don’t get me wrong, I love to win a popularity contest. I love for people to luuuurve me! But on my terms.

I told him that I had work to do and he should just take care of it. He persisted.

He said it would only take 5 minutes, which was complete bullshit. Because it took him 10 minutes to talk me into doing it (and me saying that WHEN my real work isn’t finished, I will tell my boss it was because of this ‘urgent’ task). Then it took him another 5 minutes to show me how to bypass the company’s software so I could get on Google to get Pizza Hut’s phone number. Adding the actual phone call, and the conversation about the stupid pizza before and after it arrived, it was about 30-45 minutes wasted on his bullshit. And I don’t play that. The only bullshit I deal with is my own. He just wanted the little lady to do it. And do it I would. He handed me his credit card and went back to his department. He even said I could have some of that shit. How nice.

I called and they said they had a special. 10 pizza’s for $10 each. I said, sign me up. Sidenote: I’ve actually had jobs where I had to buy coffee or pizza and pick items up. I gladly did it BECAUSE IT WAS IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION.

Anyway, the delivery guy arrived and I pointed him to the direction of the supervisor without even looking up. He went back there and then quickly ran out.

pizza time

You asked for it, you got it. And by ‘it’ I mean a bitch slap.

“ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!” the supervisor screamed from the other room.

He came over to my desk.

“You ordered a hundred dollars worth of pizza?”

“Yeah, it sounded like a good deal.”

“A hundred dollars. What are we gonna do with all that pizza?”

“Eat it.”

“You must be the only person in the world who doesn’t know how to order pizza! You will never order food for this office again!” and he stomped away.

Bitch please.

The following week, he told people what an idiot I was and tried to make me feel dumb. I just laughed. I didn’t care. But the women would walk up to the supervisor and jokingly ask him for his credit card so they could order food for the office, then laugh, at him. I guess he never handed someone his credit card like that before. All the other supervisors laughed and said I won’t be doing that in my future.

THAT’S WHAT I WANTED! Do you really think my feelings were hurt? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

As soon as I became proficient at what I was paid to do and was free from doing bullshit favors, I used my extra time Googling bullshit online, reading celeb gossip, checking Facebook, and browsing Amazon. Too bad I still didn’t have his credit card. Those dumb bitches could think whatever they wanted. My ass is only going to do what I want to do. You’re lucky I want to pull my own weight.

It’s not about working for the job, it’s about making the job work for you.

When Girls Attack…

Published April 18, 2014 by bossymoksie

I love hanging with the girls. I am a girls’ girl who has many a girl friend. I do not understand how girls cannot be friends with other girls Where do you get beauty tips and unsolicited dating advice from? Besides tumblr, instagram, facebook, google search, youtube, blogs, etc. Although I am friends with even those girls.

But there is one thing that really gets on my fucking nerves.

When girls are competing for a guys attention. Usually there’s one or two guys in a room that all the girls make a beeline for. I don’t care if you’re throwing your boobs in his face, bragging about yourself, or even lying about who you are and your interests. The thing that really gets me is when you try to throw ME under the bus.

Here’s how it goes down. Women quickly scan the room and call dibs, sometimes only in their own mind, of which guys belongs to them. Fine. The problem happens when that guy they had secretly betrothed themselves to starts following me around. This happens pretty regularly due to my boobs sparkling personality and dazzling wit.

What do my ‘friends’ do? They make passive aggressive insults about me, or underhanded compliments. They try to make me look bad in the hopes of him losing interest. Surprisingly, not many strangers do this. But my FRIENDS and acquaintances have. Let me break down why this shit annoys me.

ONE- It isn’t even effective. It never works. NEVER. This is one of the reasons why I know when a guy wants someone, he will pursue that female no matter what. Doesn’t matter what his friends say. Doesn’t matter what the cock-blocking bitches who want him have to say or even the desperate things they are willing to do. Hell, doesn’t even matter what the actual female he wants says. He’s going for it.

So you saying that I wish I could kill puppies in my spare time isn’t gonna dissuade him much if he’s attracted. He’s still thinking “Eh, I’d still hit it”. The next time some bitch is getting all the attention from the man of your dreams, try to reveal your best assets when an opportunity arises, instead of trash talking the girl who is murdering your personal rom com fantasy talking with your crush. Trying to spread rumors or discredit my character isn’t gonna get him to back down. And some guys can smell the insecurity and desperation on you. They know they can ignore you now, go after their first choice and hit you up whenever they feel like it. So you need to calm down the thirst.

TWO- You are my supposed friend. I held your hand when you got dumped. I drank with you when you needed to forget about your work troubles. I went hiking with you when you wanted to lose those 10 more pounds that you will probably never lose. But the fact that you’re willing to ignore all that for some dude you just met and talk shit about me just so you can look and feel better about yourself hurts. And is shitty. That’s not what a true friend does. What happened to hoe’s before bro’s? Look I get it, you’re feeling insecure and desperate. At the moment it feels like your only chance of love and happiness and riding on ponies while holding hands is slipping from your grasp. But trust that I wouldn’t knowingly go after someone you want. I can’t help if he’s following me around. You can’t either really. Also, I can’t read your mind when we’re meeting someone for the first time and know that you’re already dreaming about having 2.5 children with him in your dream barbie home.

And wouldn’t you rather get the guy that knows how special you are on site, that follows you around, that you don’t have to sell out your friends, flash your tits or boil small furry animals to get his attention?

Apparently not because-

THREE- 9 times out of 10, the dude these bitches are chasing are douche-bags. This is really the icing on the cake. You are willing to talk smack about the girl who’s gonna be there for you when this douche inevitably disposes of you, or tries his damndest to. So if you’re willing to toss a good friendship in the toilet for that dude, be my guest. For the guy who wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. In fact he probably set the fire in the first place. For the dude who wouldn’t give you five minutes of his attention, and if he does, it’s to make YOU feel like shit so he can feel better about himself. The guy who has no intention of giving you anything you’ve ever wanted, but for some reason you are hanging in there for it to magically happen.

You won’t be shoving me under the bus in the future because I won’t be standing by you anymore. If you wanna take that insecure joy-ride to hell, you can count on someone else taking that ride with you there. Because I am not the one. If you want to be insecure to get an insecure guy, and then put me in the middle of this bullshit dance, because he likes staring at my chest then you be my guest. I’m gonna be elsewhere being awesome.

I’m not gonna be your scapegoat and I don’t want your douche-bag.

scapegoat, thrown under bus

Get your shit together, ladies.

Ask a Bitch!

Published April 2, 2014 by bossymoksie

Just in time for my two year anniversary as a blogger on WordPress! A despairing commenter in need of advice!

In this blog post series, I answer questions about love, dating and tricky relationship situations in my own awesome way (question in bold):

I would like to bring my story that is probably over even if I still have a hope for a miracle.
I met this guy online, I was not as much into him but first date totally changed everything. There was a massive click. We spent 4 amazing hours together. We was real gentlemen. We met up for another date 1,5 week later as we both were very busy and he had his family over.
The second date we went to the gallery and than to winery place, and again the evening was great, the man was willing o pay for everything (the same case with first date) and really treated me like a princess. He was saying : ‘I must show you this, you need to try this, I will cook this etc” At the end of the evening when we were about to leave each other and I asked him ‘if I’m going to see him again’, he said of course but only if I am as well interested, I said yes and than he gave me a glimpse of a kiss and disappeared. I felt amazing.The next day he texted and ask if he can invite me for a dinner and than we could go and watch one of his move (we both love french movies) at his place.

And here it starts, I lost my trust… I started to think that maybe sex is the thing he is after. Anyway I was not planning to go to his place, but after dinner things turned differently, I went. I slept over, amazing night however we didn’t make the sex. The next day he prepared breakfast an and gave me (lunch to work) what I found very sweet. He was very caring and he mention well – next time you come we will do this, that and that… He drop me to bus stop. I got text from him the next day saying that it took him a while to recover after the night but that he doesn’t regret the magic of the moment. I replied kindly and somehow we arranged to see each other the same day in the evening and maybe it was a mistake. He came over to my area, and he lives very far away. We went for a dinner and going in the through dark forest he stopped he started to kiss me. We stayed like that 5minutes and again unplanned we went to mine. He was very caring and he stayed over but as perviously there was intimacy (we were both naked) but no sex involved. He very wanted but we did not do it, he started to ask if he is doing something wrong and I ensured him that he is very sexy and that I’m very attracted to him is just I need a little more time.

The morning was awkward, we did not speak too much. I felt that he doesn’t like me anymore, and he might felt bad after the night. Two days later after speaking with male friend I decided to drop him a line and he called me the same evening, I asked if he didn’t feel good at mine and he said yes, he said he didn’t feel comfortable that time and he said maybe we should date other people. I felt hurt even if I knew something was in the air. I hung up pretty fast so didn’t get to the details. I send one txt straight after and he replied that “there are guys out there that will make me happier than he could do”.

I was very sad. I knew he was going on holiday next couple of days. I did care a lot about him. I drop him a short text saying: surerly having good time?” while he was on holiday but he did not reply. I thought ok I have to leave it. But than talk to my very wise friend and he said out of the store he can assume that the man may have some sexual issues or complex I have no clue about and that thats why he is stepping back, me from the other side I lost confidence because I started to think that that all he wanted was sex. Anyway I was feeling fine and send him a message to let him know that I ad absolutely good time with him and that the bed moments were absolutely amazing and that its a pity it need the way we both don’t feel good about it at the end. He replied saying: “I got conviction we are looking for different things, do you think differently?”… I replied but haven’t heard from him after and it’s been 10 days. End of story. I moved on. Started dating others but is just not the same I just do care about him deeply and would like to get an advice from anyone anyone if there is anything that I could do to get the man back… or I just have to forget and take it as an amazing moments…?

 

I have heard this story too many times. Hell, I’ve lived this story myself once or twice.

Ladies, I think we all have to remember from time to time that men are not complicated like we are. If he wants to be with you, you will not be able to get rid of him. Even after ruining his favorite sports jersey, or cursing out his boss, or pushing his grandmother down the stairs.

If he does not want to be with you, he will simply not be. He will disappear completely or make the occasional cameo into your vagina life. This guy literally said he is looking for something different than you. Case closed. No need to rack your brain over what you did right or wrong, or what is going on in his mind. HE ALREADY TOLD YOU.  He also said he is not capable of making you happy. BELIEVE HIM. And run. Why would you want to get him back? He either can’t, or doesn’t want to, give you what you want. He is literally telling you to look elsewhere. This isn’t a test. This isn’t a challenge. This isn’t a puzzle. It’s literal.

There is something you can do. For you. Remind yourself of what you want in a relationship and focus on that. I don’t know about you, but I like a man who gladly does whatever I tell him to respects my boundaries, makes it all about me appreciates me and wants to, oh I don’t know, stick around. A man can wine, dine and compliment me all he wants. He’ll have my attention. But he’ll get little else until I know his sun, moon and stars revolve around ME. But you decide what you want for you. It seems like you want a guy who is into you enough to continue dating you and is willing to wait until you’re ready to have sex. This is not that guy.

It’s one thing to talk about adventures together, it’s a whole other ballgame to actually HAVE adventures together. That’s the guy you should be swooning over. Actions always speak louder than words. Pay attention to his actions. Right now, his actions are to ignore you. Is that what you want out of a relationship? To be ignored? Didn’t think so.

I don’t think it’s sexual insecurities that made him back away. Based on what you wrote, he was trying to score (and your instincts picked up on this!). Which is why there was a part 2 in that 3rd date. When you said you needed more time, he wasn’t interested in giving it. Whatever his issues are, remember that they are HIS issues, not yours. Don’t dwell on it.

Focus on the guy that will give you what you want. Not on the guy running away from you.

 

If anyone wants my bitchy advice, please ask away in the comments section or email me at bossymoksie@gmail.com. I will answer in a future blog post.

If you don’t want my bitchy advice, you might get it anyway.

No, I Don’t Want to Give You My Email Address

Published March 27, 2014 by bossymoksie

Shopping is one of the most wonderful, glorious things in the world. Especially when it isn’t your money you are spending. 

I love getting new things and imagining all the wonderful experiences I’m gonna have with my new outfit/jewelry/make-up/latest health and fitness trend. For me, shopping is like Christmas, which might be why I buy gifts for myself as well as others when the real Christmas finally rolls around; STUFF FOR ME!

Good times. Except for when you get to the cashier.

The cashier rings you up. As she/he takes your money, they ask “Do you have an email address?”

Of course I have an email address, bitch! I’m not some backwater redneck, or an 80-year old afraid of the world wide webs. Everyone has an email address. The real question is, do I want to give it to you?

Listen, I’m already giving you my semi- hard earned money. I don’t want you contacting me all hours of the day and night, trying to get me back to your store with lame offers. The offers are usually 15% or less, or for bulk buying. Who really needs 6 bottles of Jasmine Smoke lotion and body wash? Especially if you’ve already bought that the last time you were there?

When I go shopping, I want to go in there, have some fun, and get out. I don’t want you to have all my contact info so you can stalk me. I’ll come back when I want something from you. No strings attached. I’ll see ya when I see ya. My purchase isn’t a lifelong commitment! It was one transaction, it’s not forever!

This is probably how a dude feels about a needy one-night stand. Because it’s definitely how it feels to have a fling with a needy dude. 

I made the mistake of doing that with a store I frequented a lot and I got an email EVERYDAY, and none of the offers and sales were worth running over there. Every day, I opened the email hoping there would be some ‘50% off just for you because you’re awesome and always here anyway’ offer. Never happened. Tease.

I know what times of the week and year to go for the best deals, with or without your harassment emails. I don’t need you constantly contacting me, or giving my information out to your affiliates so they can harass me too. I also don’t need a credit card from you so I can be in debt to you. You are my bitch, not the other way around. I’m not gonna drop everything to come running to you just because you sent me an email. I so would for the right price though. When I make it rain well, sometimes sprinkle in your store, you’re the one who jumps up and dances. Furthermore, I am not clogging up my email with your BS so that I can’t see the ones from my REAL friends with their BS.

You’re already getting my money! What more do you want you needy bitches! My first born?!

My life doesn’t revolve around you! I have shit to do. Like shopping at other places.

Whenever they ask me that dumb ass question I just shake my head and wave my hand, waving their stupid question away like the boss I am.

How to Choose Role Models

Published February 11, 2014 by bossymoksie

I’m really sick of people talking about how Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are supposed to be role models, and should act like it. Did I fall asleep when people voted two children to exemplify all that is right and holy in the world for our other kids to look up to?

Can we pause for a second and realize how dumb this sentiment is? I get it. They are popular. They were introduced to us by entertaining the youth, ergo, have millions of young fans. Fine. But why the fuck are we labeling them as people who should know how life should be lived and a guide for kids? Lemme break this down for you. First of all, Miley is 21. Twenty. One. Please remember this. (Justin is 19!)

miley smokes a joint

Chillax people. I’m 21, not Gandhi.

Before you pass judgement on these two, do you remember what attention whorey stupid shit you were doing at that age? And for those of you who are proud of the purity of your own children, brace yourself for all the attention whorey stupid shit your kids will have in store for you in that age range. It’s a rite of passage.

You know who should be looked up to? Those boring kids who somehow magically skipped that attention whorey stupid shit phase as a teen.

I’ve heard the argument, from both parents and kids, that back when Miley was nine years old or something like that, she said that she wasn’t gonna use sex to be popular, was gonna stick to having good values and wanted to be a good role model. And now you feel betrayed.

kid role model

I’m a kid. And I said the darndest things.

Really? You’re listening to a fucking 9 year old? What was she supposed to say at 9? I can’t wait to be 21 and attention whore with nudity to sell my albums? That was before puberty, Liam Hemsworth, and she probably thought boys and drugs had cooties.
Don’t pretend that puberty and insecurities came along and didn’t fuck up your level headed child self who thought you knew everything in your simple black and white world of Barbie’s or GI Joe’s.
She was probably told to say those things to sell herself and her TV show anyway. That was her angle at the time. She moved on. Which leads me to my next point.
miley cyrus role model

I’m just selling albums ya’ll.

These bitches are celebrities. Their job is to sell their shit music by getting our attention any way they can. Just because they succeeded at getting our attention, doesn’t mean they know shit about life. Ergo, should not be role models of ‘acceptable’ behavior for kids, or anyone. Their job is to entertain, not lead.
Why are celebs generally cast as role models anyway? They are not living life. Not real life like the rest of us. They don’t know shit about the 9 to 5 side eye at you Beyonce for your lyrics in “Ghost”. Normal people don’t have to deal with what celebs deal with and vice versa. They are leading a different kind of life that is intertwined with commerce, so why would we think that their actions would automatically be more level-headed than ours? This makes no logical sense! Am I missing the connection?
miley cyrus covers nipples

Obviously not an outfit that should ever be worn in the real world. Right? Right??!!!

I see why the media would want us to believe that celebs know something that we don’t, but that’s just so that they can sell us whatever crap they choose to.
Listen, some of us grown-ups know that celebs have more money than they know what to do with and seem to want to snort, smoke drink and party it away. If these are things that you aspire to do with your life, then they should be your role models. (Done and done.)

Maybe, just maybe, some adult in the child fan’s life could take five minutes and explain to the child that celebrities are a different breed of people not living in the real world. What you see may not even be the real personality of the person anyway. It’s all an act, a show. Enjoy the show. Admire Miley’s hustle and comfort with public nudity. Admire Justin’s lack of shame and affectation of swag. Admire their singing voices if that’s what you love about them. But don’t get it twisted.

If I aspired to getting drunk under the drinking age, speeding, and smiling like a douche in a mug shot, then Justin would be my role model. Since I don’t, he is not. (For the record, I only wanted to do one of those things, and with the help of a fake ID or some 21 year old guys, I achieved it!)

If you want to use your brains only to get ahead, show your naked body only to the person you’re gonna have sex with, or save the world from the apocalypse people keep predicting will happen, then you should look up to anyone other than a celebrity. They don’t know anything more about life than the rest of us.

Get it together people. You wanna life role model look at…um…well I don’t  of any of those. Someone should get on that. Pick someone, real or a celeb, who has the same values as you or a talent you like, then admire them for that and that only. Rest assured, there’s probably some other shit they do that you do not agree with. It’s fine, because you only admire them for what you find admirable, not for anything else.

But just because a celeb can hit a high note or has a number 2 hit, doesn’t mean they know how to do this thing called life. Or what it takes to be happy. We’re all equally clueless on that one.

What I Learned from “Don Jon”

Published February 8, 2014 by bossymoksie

Have any of you seen this movie?

don jon movie

Men and women think of two different things when it comes to the term ‘happy ending’! lol

The summary and trailer are craptacular, but I liked this movie. A lot.

The trailer shows you the character more than the story. It’s really about a dude looking for intimacy but he doesn’t even know what that really is or looks like. That’s not as sexy of a description as a Jersey Shore wanna be, porn and ScarJo (all of which are in the trailer).

It’s worth watching just for the first 20 minutes when the main character, Don Jon, explains the pros and cons of getting off on porn, versus a real girl. I thought it was hilarious! I thought the last 20 minutes or so were not as realistic as the rest of the movie, but it did show how he sees intimacy differently.

And I laahved Scarlett Johannson’s character. She was the hot diva princess who demanded respect and whatever else she wanted (sound familiar? Yeah, there’s no bias here.) I knew from the beginning that she was manipulating him. She knew what she wanted and wasn’t going to settle for anything less!

However! I did not agree with her messing with his interests and ambitions (or lack thereof). She was trying to make him into something he wasn’t and I am not down with that. Let the boy enjoy his hobbies as long as it doesn’t involve sex with other women.  Her character was hugely influenced by romantic comedies and she thought true love meant that a man would do everything you asked him to, and change into whatever you needed him to be. I do not think that’s fair, especially since men have tried to pull this shit with me. Love doesn’t magically turn you into someone else just so you can please the other person. Her character was less interested in knowing the real him, whereas I prefer to get to know the guy I’m dating because I’m nosy and knowledge is power.

Look, as much as I’d love to mold a man like my own personal play-doh puppet, I know it’s just not possible because I’ve already tried. At best it’s temporary. He’s gonna revert back to his same self. And guess what? That’s what you’re gonna get stuck with. So I just take what I see at face value and judge whether or not I can hang with that.  The main things I’m demanding about is how our interactions will go and how he treats me but it’s not limited to just that.

So what did I learn? The realization that hit me like a ton of bricks was that some men, or boys, don’t know the difference between intimacy and lust. I know women confuse lust and intimacy, as well as fantasy with love, because I am one and from listening to my friends analyzing the shit out of their guy when the reality is right under their noses. I don’t know why I thought men would automatically know the difference.

Looking back at a few past relationships, I can see that the guys were more in lust with me than in love. And I think we both confused that lust for love. They played nice and ‘put up’ with me and my crazy and not-so-crazy demands because they thought that’s what it would take for us to be close and be in a real relationship. But it’s not. And while they would comply with some things, they would be really selfish with others. They obviously cared about me, because they aren’t monsters, but they seemed unsupportive, dismissive sometimes. Then I would label them as jerks and then fuck with them and the relationship. Just cuz. But now I see that, perhaps, they weren’t doing it on purpose, we both just didn’t know what the fuck we were doing! We didn’t know how to get closer or didn’t really want to.

I don’t want to downplay sexual attraction and lust, I do think it’s a good thing to have in a relationship! (And blogger, Introverted Playboy, gives a great argument for why here.)

Anyway, the movie did a great job at showing the differences between what men and women expect love to look like and the way media influences them (porn and rom coms).

I wish romantic comedies were more like this, more honest and a dash of intelligence and without the implied ‘they lived happily ever after, they never had any problems after that or wanted to strangle each other and they always look like a perfume ad’.

Because in real life, once you get into the the relationship, it isn’t happily ever after, it’s just more work!

Here’s the craptacular trailer if you want to check it out: