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All posts for the month May, 2012

You’re Not All That, Facebook!

Published May 31, 2012 by bossymoksie

Worst relationship ever…

A few weeks ago I tried to log onto Facebook when it asked for my phone number. Excuse me? I’m not THAT impressed with you to give you my number so you can get a hold of me when I’m not logged in. I determine when I want to hang out with you okay? You haven’t earned my number so you ain’t gonna get it. I’m not gonna let YOU have more access to me! You already know too much!

So I tried to give you a fake number but you knew it was fake. And now you’re tryin to turn it around on me by saying it’s for my own protection and security????!!! Who’s gonna protect me from you bitch! Who?

You want to know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it, what I’m thinking and also keep tabs on all my friends. In the beginning, I thought we were just gettin to know each other but no, you just wanted to know so that you could use it against me later! Like the ads that creepily know exactly what I like (shopping, cute dresses, ingle guys, local events). And now my friends, bosses and family can see stuff about me I usually hide they normally wouldn’t see. Even the government can be up in my business now! Now I can’t trust you and have to watch what I say to you!

Do you know how controlling you are? Trying to get me to like people, shows and events I don’t really like! (Or enough to ‘like’ their page.) Shoving people’s profiles in my face that YOU think I should befriend. I have a mind of my own! Did you ever think that maybe I was avoiding that particular person or that they may have had a restraining order out on me for breakin their car window once? No, you didn’t, did you? Because you never really think about my needs. You know, I have other stuff to do then be with you ALL DAY!!!!!!!!! I don’t want to play Farmville, or Mafia, or have three instant messaging conversations pop up just because I logged in. And I don’t wanna be bombarded with info from all my friends on that side window when I’m tryin to stalk my ex’s look at other friends profile pages.

The last straw, before the phone number incident, is the fuckin Timeline. You forced me to use the Timeline. Without askin me. Without tellin me really, what the benefits are of it for ME. Just changed it. There are two of us in this relationship you know! For the past year, everytime I come around, you just change the rules of the game. I never know what to expect anymore (and it’s not in a good oops-we hadsexintherestaurantbathroom kind of way)!

You think you can do whatever you want and I’ll just take it because everyone I know is on there. You got another thing comin! I will just have to do with you what I do with my boyfriends that be trippin. Get a back up in case I go the fuck off on you and wanna leave without ever comin back.

Which social media site do you think is the better? Besides wordpress.com? 🙂

There has to be more options dammit!

Sexpectations

Published May 30, 2012 by bossymoksie

I remember having drunch (lunch/dinner?) with a girlfriend and a guy friend of mine. And the subject came around to first dates and sex. The guy tells us that he would never sleep with a girl unless she knew how to have an orgasm by pleasing herself.

“How do you know if she can?”, my girlfriend asked.

“Because I make her pleasure herself in front of me before we can ever have sex.”

This bitch. I knew better than to say anything smart to him. Hot people can just ask for crazy shit like that. And he was hot. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper hot. Like not fake greek god twilight pretty boy hot, but Gustan from “Beauty and the Beast” Don Draper true greek god manly handsome hot. So I’m sure girls were down with showin him what they got. Literally.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

So while my friend was contemplating how she might have to audition for dick (she sooo wants to hit that),  I contemplated all the crazy shit men expect us to do once we enter the bedroom.

Do you guys study the red shoe diaries and pornos or something as though it were a training manual? Guess what, most women don’t. This isn’t 16th century in China where girls are shipped off to whore houses to learn the fine art of seduction and looking pretty 24/7. So if you’re looking for a professional, you know where to go. Guess where most women learn about sex? Trial and error, bitches. Sometimes, I feel like I have walked into a cirque du soleil stage where ‘acts’ are to be performed  instead of a bedroom. Have you ever done it on a Velcro wall? Can you be a human pretzel while playing a flute? Can you slide down a pole and give a BJ at the same time? No bitch! I ain’t auditioning for shit!

You do know that those bitches in porn are faking all those orgasms right? Just like most women do while having sex with you. This is the new millennium and America, and we learned about sex through actual experience at frat parties (or any other school dance function party), public parks and the backseat of cars. So just remember that shit next time you, by the grace of God, were lucky enough to have a naked girl in front of you.

There really needs to be a school of some sort for men to learn the art of seducing and pleasing a woman. Or at least some lessons on how to separate fact from fiction in porno’s.

Why We Went Out With You

Published May 29, 2012 by bossymoksie

I spent the weekend with Mr. Okay. It was okay. He was okay. I didn’t have anything better to do. Since I am semi-interested and super bored with myself and my life I just went. It made me think about the reasons why us ladies go out with some of you dudes. Sometimes, it truly is because we think you are our magical charming wonderful hot rich prince knight in shining armor who will never do any wrong until reality slaps us in the face.

But a lot of times, we go out with you for other reasons.

1.Because you just bought a hot dress/outfit/accessory that you can’t wear to the grocery store. It just wouldn’t be fair to the dress/outfit/accessory. You gotta show it off proper.

2.Because it’s better than looking for a job, applying for community college, cleaning your room, aka doin anything responsible. Dudes are great distractions for that. Thanks guys!

3.Because nothing is on TV! Cable channels play the same shit over and over. And how many times can you watch “Pretty Woman”? (Infinity times!) But there’s a slight chance that dudes might actually do or say something different from the last time you hung out with them.

4.Because you’re sittin at home eating a box of icecream sandwiches pack of donuts bag of mini Reece’s Peanutbutter cups fruit salad, and you’re just not feelin good about yourself. Your job sucks the soul outta you, your family annoys you with every breath they take, and you start wonderin if you should just give up on life. Hell naw! That’s when you reach out and flirt with a dude.

5.Because sometimes you are stalking an ex on Facebook gossipin on the phone innocently getting an email from a friend about how an ex is dating someone new. And you are at home, on your fucking computer! Fuck that.

6.Because you wanna go to a specific event, like a Kanye West concert or dollar margarita night and your friends won’t go cuz they are with their menz.

7.Because sometimes you are just fuckin horny and only any a man can take care of the job.

8.Because you’re broke and wanna go out. And a gentleman always pays. (And if you’re with me, you’re  gentlemen, at least in the paying department.)

9.Because bitches be trippin and sometimes you wanna avoid their trips. So when they call and ask if you wanna hold their hand while they cry into a perfectly good bowl of Haagen Dazs while watching “Thelma and Louise”(after breakin up with the same dude she’s been dating and breakin up with for the past four years), you will be making already have plans.

10.Because you don’t wanna be alone. Or alone with the idea of still havin to compete with bitches when you’re 70 in a nursing home because there’s only two dudes up in there and your boobs may be down to your knees by then, so you may not win.

11. Because of general boredom. And fuckin around with dudes is my hobby.

Did I leave any reasons out ladies?

Ask a Bitch!

Published May 28, 2012 by bossymoksie

“You can trust me. I’m beautiful.”
“True.”

Where I answer your questions about love, life and hairy, awkward, difficult, uncomfortable, lousy, unacceptable situations:

Dear Bossy Moksie,

What should I do if I like his friend instead of the guy picking up on me? -somanyoptions

Dear Somanyoptions,

Turn to the friend and start flirting with him. Make the transition with a joke like, ‘Is your dick bigger than his? I’m sensing by those tight pants that I won’t be satisfied over there.’

Dear Bossy Moksie,

When a guy buys a drink for me what should I order? -shydrinker

Dear Shydrinker,

Uh, the most expensive drink on the menu that you can’t afford yourself. Duh!

Dear Bossy Moksie,

So I met this dude at a temp job. I was bored so I passed the time flirting with him thinking that I’ll never see him again. I gave him my number with the intention that I’d just ignore it if he called. He did and I did. I figured I would never have to see him again. But I just found out the temp agency wants me to go BACK to his job next week. I need that paper, so there’s no way I can turn it down. (Money over Bitches!) So how should I handle the situation when I see him? -gettinthatmoney

 Dear Gettinthatmoney,

Pretend like you’ve never met him before and then ignore him. Look at him like he’s crazy as he recounts your past flirting and his texts to you. Or, if that’s too much work, tell him that you got married since you last saw him.

Dear Bossy Moksie,

How do I tell my sister I don’t like her boyfriend? -pickysis

Dear Pickysis,  

Follow this script. “Bitch, your boyfriend is a loser. He’s ugly, he’s fat, he’s hairy, he’s not funny, he can’t tell his ass from his eyeballs, broke and he stares at my breasts. I don’t like him. What? He’s skinny and has a degree? Well, I meant the last part.”

Dear Bossy Moksie,

I’ve been dating this guy for 6 weeks. Memorial Day weekend has come and gone and he didn’t ask me to hang out with him or his family. I know they had a big bbq because he told me they did on our second date! I asked him last week if his family was still having that big bbq. He said yes. But he never invited me and he hasn’t even called me this weekend, like I’m going to invite myself! Should I break up with him? -memorialdayloner

Dear Memorialdayloner,

Your name says it all. You are alone. Consider yourself passive aggressively dumped by this dude. Go out to a club as soon as you can and flirt with as many men as you can. Go home with the hottest one and fuck his brains out. Forget the other dude. Unless he comes back at you with flowers and jewelry (or anything resembling an apology). Don’t mention the clubbing.

If you want my bitchy advice, please ask away in the comments section. I will either answer it there or in a future blog post.

If you don’t want my bitchy advice, you might get it anyway.

Humility

Published May 26, 2012 by bossymoksie

24/7 process

At work the other day, I surprised one of the higher ups, who always calls me beautiful as he ushers past the lowly cashiers to his office in the back. Usually I give him a mindless ‘thanks’. But yesterday I replied, “I know”.

Which stopped him in his tracks.

“Well, aren’t you humble.”

“I know.”

He shakes his head and continues to his office.

Why should I be? I spent twelve hours last weekend deep conditioning my hair. I spent the past three years perfecting my hair-straightening technique. I’ve spent a liftetime researching, purchasing, and trying various beauty and hair care products. I spend six hours a week working out. And endless hours looking through magazines and shopping for clothes and accessories. I put a lot of work into looking this good, of taking care of what the powers that be have bestowed onto me, and I’m supposed to bat my eyelashes to say, ‘oh, it’s nothing.” Hell naw! I want credit for my work. I’m beautiful dammit!