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Vampire Boyfriends….WHY?

Published February 2, 2016 by bossymoksie
The Vampire diaries

“The Vampire Diaries” love triangle

Some of you may know that the TV Show The Vampire Diaries is a guilty pleasure of mine. In the beginning, this show was a romantic- horror- teen- angst hybrid but now has downgraded to a basic teen soap with supernatural characters. I thought I was watching it for the love triangle between the three leads (pictured above), but the real reason I was watching was the fierce Katherine Pierce. Sadly, she is long gone with no hope of returning (since the actress playing her has left the show).

katherine pierce

I so wish she was really back!

So now I’m left to wonder; what is this obsession with vampire boyfriends as a good thing? There have been so many popular stories about them, and were made popular by mostly women. What’s more is that there’s usually not just one monster vampire in love with the female protagonist but TWO. And we thought only men were greedy. See exhibit below:

The Vampire Diaries: Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Twilight: Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

True Blood: Suki, Bill and Eric.

Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: Buffy, Angel and Spike.

As usual, I’m here to keep it real. So let’s go over some reasons why vampire boyfriends are the worst and not the oh-so- hot, epically romantic, undylingly devoted soulmate that these stories try to perpetrate.

ONE- They can suck the life out of you. Literally. Why are women so hard up for a guy who sees you as a potential snack? I’ll pass.

TWO- They can suck the life out of the party or room. Again, literally. But in some cases, figuratively. They are always broody and troubled and shit. I’m sure they have had plenty of bad experiences to justify being all broody, but still, what a downer. Some of us WILL die one day so can we at least try to make the best of my limited time without you bringing me down? Thanks.

angel & buffy

THREE- They are Woody Allen craddle robbers in hot boy clothes. Why are all these centuries-old vampires wanting to date 17-year-old girls? It’s like those 50-year-old dudes who want…the same exact thing. Let me get this straight: you have seen the turn of the century, you have seen how the invention of TV and the internet has changed the world, you’ve witnessed wars and famine, read all the classic literature works of art, learned multiple languages and traveled the world.

And yet, the only person you can fall truly, madly, deeply in love with is a teenage girl?

katherine pierce

I don’t fucking think so.

Teenage girls can never make up their mind or know what they want. Especially if they themselves are hot. And I used to be one! I know! They aren’t sure of who they are, but there are you are stalking courting them and professing your undying love. If you were really that vulnerable and deep lonely, why would you place your heart in the hands of a girl who can’t make up her mind as to what she will wear that day, let alone what she wants FOR FUCKING ETERNITY. She is anything but worldly.

Please don’t use the excuse that women mature faster than boys. Sixteen years vs 200 years is pretty ridiculous. You guys aren’t THAT behind us. Wait a minute, I may need to rethink that one…

spike & buffy

Centuries years-old and still can’t think of anything else.

FOUR- His ass always has dangerous enemies. They are coming for him, you, your family and your friends. Because you are his weakest link; again, you are an appetizer to him and his enemies. Guess how you could have avoided all that horror and drama of having those you love killed off as collateral damage? By not dating this creepy, emotionally stunted, undead monster. But he’s hot right so…worth it?

vampire soulmates

How about none?

FIVE- Okay seriously, because this blog post has super useful information that you need in your daily life can you really say no? I mean how will a man-child monster deal with rejection? We know that some real life human men can’t handle it well. But a vampire? He can just out right finish you. Better to pray that one never becomes obsessed with you because he has nothing better to do and is bored as fuck ‘fallen’ for you rather than sitting at home and praying that one of those monsters walks into your life. Even if he is mature enough to not end your life, then you have to deal with him moping around you, staring at you intensely and saving you from some inevitable life threatening car accident/ apocalypse/ serial killer that coincidentally happens shortly after his ass shows up.

As for the middle-aged stans that obsess and fantasize about these fictional characters; You ladies are safe! No threat there!

twilight fans

The idea that you are dating a monster, but he is kind to you is really romantic and appealing…I guess. What’s not so romantic or appealing? Defending their bad behaviors, as so many female characters do in these stories, as well as the stans who discuss these hot and soulful undead dudes in fan forums, and justifying their destructive behavior because these guys are sooo sensitive and sooo lonely just like some women do with abusers.

Ladies, let’s get it together. This is why men turn to being bad boys. Because we are drooling over them, can’t stop pining and talking about them! Men want to be wanted! They will turn into jerks if that’s what it takes for us to obsess over them! We are setting the standard!

But if all the points I made in this post sounds appealing to you, then have at it!

 

 

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Public Service Announcement: Ladies, Stop Obsessing!

Published October 12, 2013 by bossymoksie

Okay, so you met a guy. And he was AMAZING. He was hot, he was interesting, he was exciting he was unavailable. You can’t figure him out. But you want to, you have to. And you want him to figure you out. And want you.

What do you do?

WHAT DO YOU DO???????

You obsess. You think about this dude all day and all night. You can’t get him out of your head. And you talk about him. And talk about him, and talk about him some more.  To anyone who will listen.

It’s one thing to vent your feelings, or share with your friends your current state of mind. It’s quite another thing to turn a girls night out into a 4 hour hand holding fest of you talking about the drama and hog all the attention  while smothering every last hope of fun the night was intended to be.

The thing that pisses me off the most, is that it’s always over a guy who’s a douche, or barely knows you’re alive. ALWAYS. Girls never go on and on and on about the handsome knight in shining armor who reads their minds and handles all their needs, or their good guy friends. No. Not that I want to hear that shit all day long either. 

Do you know how much more fun you’d be having if your ass just shut up, had a drink and danced a little?  Or relaxed and took in the scenery of our favorite outdoor brunch spot? Maybe even flirt or make out with another guy. No, lets just ruin everyone’s night, AGAIN, because of a dude that cares two shits about you. Yeah. That makes more sense.

You have every right to be angry, upset, feel bad, etc. because you feel used, abandoned, whatever. But it does not justify you torturing your friends yourself by reliving it for all eternity. Just because you are obsessed, doesn’t mean we are!

We have to listen for the 15th thousandth time about how this douche dream guy who stood you up or didn’t notice you, despite all that you do to get his attention. It’s just not fair. Do you know how many Saturday nights, or afternoon lunches have been destroyed by your obsession by a dude hasn’t even given YOU two thoughts?

I have a theory. The reason why these girls talk so much about the object of their affections is because if they can’t have their undying love or their attention, then they will settle for feeling the angst of not having them and talking about them incessantly. That way, they still feel ‘connected’ somehow to the guy, even if it’s just pain and angst. He is a big part in her life simply because she keeps bringing him up. She focuses attention on him EVEN WHEN HE’S NOT AROUND OR NOT A REAL PART OF HER LIFE.  I am just a warm body you are using to express this obsession and a replacement for the attention you really want. If I wanted to be a warm body to be used I could just go out and have a one night stand, and it would be a lot more fun.

Does this obsessing ever get you the solution that you are desperately hoping to get? NO. (That is, unless you like being masochist.)

Tumbling down your own pit of despair isn’t going to change the situation, or this guy’s actions and attitude towards you. It’s up to YOU to make yourself feel better, not him. And you can start by knowing you deserve better than feeling like shit all the time, and changing YOUR attitude and actions towards him.

And let me tell you, friends are always more than happy to help you with this.

So for your sake and mine, please cease and desist.

I’m the Marcia F*^! Brady of the Upper East Side and I Want to Kill Myself!

Published July 13, 2012 by bossymoksie
Last rant installment of my epic opus on hating ‘nice’.
Darth vader mask

Episode Three. ‘Nice’ turns dating to shit. Welcome to the dark side.

So far, I’ve stated that being nice isn’t being real. Also, it’s not the key ingredient in winning dates or relationships. And now I’m gonna talk about how the dating game is chock full of dishonesty in the name of niceness, and WHY! You already know why, but let’s hop on this magic carpet ride anyway and bring it home.

Dating game dishonesty niceness: Exhibit A

A guy asks a girl for her phone number but she doesn’t want to give it to him. But to be nice, she does, and just ignores the call later. She lets him save his fragile ego face, at that moment, at her own duress. Why not just be honest and say no? I’ve done that several times and there have been guys who tried to bully or embarrass me that I just didn’t placate them and give it up (smooth move, I really want further contact with you now!). To shut the guy up or not embarrass him, girls will be nice and give her or a fake number.

Exhibit B

Girls fake orgasms in bed. Now there are millions of dudes out there thinking that they’re the shit in bed when they’re really not. It’s an epidemic. And the next girl is gonna fake it too, just to spare his ego feelings. How’s that for nice. (Also, guess who really loses in that scenario?)

Exhibit C

The use of the word ‘fine’. Needs no explanation.

Why do we resort to nice instead of keepin it real?
I blame social conditioning. Society (this includes family, media, friends and even dudes we date) has these rules women are supposed to follow to seem like a lady worth dating. We are conditioned to put others before ourselves, and to keep our mouths and legs shut. And to like it that way. This is for ‘protection’ of our virtue.  Maybe for-score and 1800 years ago that advice was still bullshit sage but it’s a new world now.

Men can be selfish, go after what they want, and look out for number one. Hell, it’s expected and respected. But when a women does that, she is a bitch (or insert any other ‘negative’ deragoratory term here: Selfish. Whore. Narcissistic, etc.)

Here’s a clip of my favorite character  from this masterpiece movie classic, CRUEL INTENTIONS, re-iterating this point.

Transcript for the video challenged: “Eat me, Sebastian! It’s okay for guys like you and Court to f**k everyone. But when I do it, I get dumped for innocent little twits like Cecile. God forbid, I exude confidence and enjoy sex. Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I’m the Marcia f**king Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there’s your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud.”

Women are held up to different standards. Otherwise known as double standards. So next time you men think your woman is acting weird, illogical, or irrational remember this! Because we are not a pet a doll a chair robots, we still have to somehow go after what we want, even when society tells us we shouldn’t want certain things or can’t have them. So we learn to be passive-aggressive. Indirect. And even (subconsciously or consciously) dishonest. (I know gross generalization.) And I’m not just talking about sex. This applies to careers and friendships too!

Men generally learn to lay it out on the table and move on. Meanwhile, we learn to publicly file divorce on your ass while you are out of town working and when you finally arrive to the divorce party all tardy, have a detailed list of terms and demands along with a list of your secrets you don’t want to get out waiting for you neatly on the table. All arranged behind your back of course. Then when men have to interact with women, it’s like ‘shit, there’s a whole new way of doing things going on here that I wasn’t prepared for!’

Niceties, pleassantries, diplomacy never equals intimacy. It’s the kiss of death to real intimacy. The whole point of dating is for love and acceptance of self. And how do we do this? We play games???!!! Nice-ness is a socially conditioned construct.  Somewhere along the line, women are told that in order to be loved and accepted we have to be nice and be perfect. Fuck. That. Say what you want about me, but you will know where you stand.

I’m not saying men don’t suffer from this as well in the dating game. They’ve learned to be manipulative passive-aggressive to deal with with these social rules that women are told to play by. Can guys truly be honest that they just want to hit it and quit it? Or that they don’t ever want to marry you? That they are with you because they are too comfortable and insecure to leave? Or because they don’t want to be alone? Or that, yes, your butt does look fat in those particular jeans? No. Hence the games and dishonesty.

Cruel intentions

Sexy with a side of bitch. You’re welcome. Let the games begin.

And if you’re gonna play games, I got some card tricks in my pocket as well.

End rant.

The 2 Prequels to this post:
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I Could’ve Had a Castle, and Worn a Ring!

Published June 26, 2012 by bossymoksie

Marraige. Love optional.

So, the marraige proposals. Let’s go down memory lane one by one, shall we?

The first one was right before graduating high school. He was very cute and convinced that we would never see each other again. That’s why he cornered me after school and suggested we get married. I had no clue what he was talking about, but he turned out to be right, we never did see each other again after graduation. He was cool, but we actually never did date. I was friends with his smart younger brother who always listened to my problems and did my homework for me. We were like besties. Anyway, the cute brother was my fake boyfriend once so I could get this other guy off my back. We were in fake relationship bliss when he publicly dumped me by taking some girl to a club we snuck into that we all hung out at. I was at home painting my nails sparkly gold when a text blast blew up my phone of people siting my fake boyfriend with his real date. How dare he? Turns out, the guy I was avoiding had challenged him to a duel or some ish by the basketball courts and instead of fighting for my honor, he hooked up with another chick for a real relationship. Looking back, I think the marriage wouldn’t have worked out anyway because when the going gets tough, he ran into another bitch’s arms.

(Fake) breaking up is hard to do.

Number two. I pretty well off dude. Accounting. Okay looking. And boring as fuck. I dated him and we had some good times. He said I made him feel alive. Of course I did, he was a walking piece of cardboard. He had to move for his job and decided to propose to me so I would go with him. But the thought of spending the rest of my life with him and his money made me want to jump out a window due to boredom. I declined.

Avoided marraige to cardboard.

Three. Went to Vegas with a few girls. That’s where I met…I don’t really remember his name. Tom, let’s say. Tom and I hit it off instantly. We got each other’s humor. We read each other’s minds. We were both really wasted. Naturally, I wanted to have a Britney moment and he was on the same page. Everything made sense under drunk logic and was awesome. (Drunk logic always seems more logical and you wonder why you didn’t think of these things or agree with them when you’re sober.) Dude didn’t have the money to have the quickie wedding of our dreams and I think it was a sign from God. I mean if he can’t pay for the wedding, he can’t pay for the annulment. Or the divorce and my alimony payments. Vegas weddings for shits and giggles are never wise.

Brit Brit moment.

Last but not least. A financier. Wall street type. Tall and handsome. Took me wherever I wanted to go. Let me do most of the talking. Jack pot yes? Not when the proposal is accompanied with ‘you don’t wanna die alone, wrinkly with 20 cats do you?’ Why did he have to go there? To my worst fear of being ugly old and surrounded by pets that I’m allergic to? That was just mean. Just because I look good on your arm and like your money doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings and fears too! Is that how he’s gonna play it? And these threats will haunt me all throughout the marriage. Wash the dishes or else you’ll die alone. Clean the house or I’ll adopt a cat. Get me my coffee because no one else will date your wrinkly ass now. No, no, hell no. If anyone’s gonna be doing the manipulating/insulting it’s me!

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos!

I firmly believe the execution and effort put into the proposal influences how things will go down the marriage, and I have no regrets. My proposal should involve fireworks, a horse-drawn carriage, a big ring, undying compliments and devotion, candle light, a rainbow, violins coming from seemingly nowhere, rose petals, and an audience. Then and only then, will I know he is the one. I’m still young and have plenty of time to break more hearts to find my king!

Those aren’t fake angels, those are REAL PEOPLE dangling from the ceiling! Now that’s an impressive effort.

The All Access Pass

Published June 2, 2012 by bossymoksie

For very important persons ONLY.

I was in love once. ONCE. It was a pain my ass. Until I can figure out how it can NOT be a pain, I won’t be doin that again. Which makes me a serial dater. I’m not a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of girl. I like to have a good time and if sumthin deeper develops, fine. If not, I ride the fun until it’s not fun anymore. Because I’m too in love with myself to give a fuck.

I’m not above all that lovey dovey crap and sentimental bullshit. I too have been entrapped by long walks on the beach (or anywhere), goofy baby talk, foot rubs, cooking (yes cooking!), hangin out with weird family members and putting up with pig-headed friends, making excuses, bubble baths, answering the phone EVERY time you call, fetishes, wearing matching outfits, and putting you first in my plans. And I do it all with a smile on my face (mostly). Cuz you in lurve.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

That is what you get with the all access pass, my friends. The VIP treatment. If you are important, you will know. I will do the work of continuing to shave my legs and be generally hot and available. I will appreciate your work, because you’ve earned it. But this isn’t given to everyone. So most of you bitches won’t get that. Most of you fall into the other category. The dating category. Which means, don’t expect fuckin girlfriend behavior when you ain’t my boyfriend.  You are for sex and companionship only. Nuthin else. Don’t get it twisted! And it gets on my last nerve when dudes expect girlfriend treatment when dating. READ- they treat you like a friend with benefit but you are supposed to treat them as though the sun, moon, and star rises because of them.

I don’t think so.

Bossy Roxxxie?

Published June 1, 2012 by bossymoksie

Some dudes are offended by the unrealistic stereotypes of men in romantic comedies. And yet…

As you read blog posts on wordpress.com, there is a team of engineers creating a sex robot to replace women. Lemme set this up for you. 9-11 happens. A genius nerd loses his friend. What does he do? What. Does. He. Do. Does he come up with a computer software program to help track down terrorists? Does he volunteer to create a machine that will help clean up New York after the tragedy? Does he even try to come up with a super diet pill that will erase all the calories that you just put in your body by eating a whole bag of cookies? No. He creates a personality program that replicates his friends’ personality. And then I guess he got horny because he decides to combine the software program with a sex doll and viola!- true companion.com, or Roxxxie.

This is why I love men. They know what is important in life. That is why they strive to be great leaders of the world! They know exactly what to do with smarts and responsibility. Make sex and intimacy easier for them!

And don’t tell me that you’re doing this for men who are too ugly and dumb or douchy can’t get laid a girfriend and want to fuck somethin’s brains out intimacy and companionship. Or that you’re doing this to replace all the women in legal whore houses. I see what you’re doing! You are trying to make it easier for dudes to get a ‘girfriend’ without actually having a girlfriend. Well, jokes on you because the robot can’t cook or clean (this came from the engineer’s mouth, not mine. I know what century I’m living in. I also don’t need to create a robot to get laid).

But I know the dudes will really appreciate the personality options. Because women only have five different personalities, so you’ll be covered; Wild Wendy, Frigid Farah (really?), S&M Susan, Maternal Martha and Young. (Young is a personality? Wow, you dudes are deep.)   What happened to just goin after girls with low self-esteem and stringin them along with as little attention as you can get away with for sex?

I am way hotter.

Here is why I am not offended or worried. Firstly, women cannot be replaced. Poor dudes. Can’t replace us even if you tried (which you desperately are). It’s steeped in your biology. You know, procreation, spreadin your seed and making the species live on and all that. Ha ha! You can’t live without us!

Secondly, you dudes get bored when you get everythin your way. I can’t count how many of my friends get walked all over and left because they did whatever their man wanted, whenever and however they wanted. And they left them for a bitch. The girls who should be worried are those plastic bitches who ran out and bought themselves some titties and face instead of a personality. (And ‘young’ doesn’t count.) You bitches may be replaced in the future, so ya’ll better start workin on your attitude and stop cutting yourself up to look like those bitches above. (Admittedly, they are not pretty, but I’m sure they will fix that in time). You about to be instinct! You best invest in a hobby cuz the robots may be takin over the (literal!) plastic airhead girlfriend role!

But of course there are the dudes sayin that they would program their robot to talk back at them and argue. You guys really are like hamsters, runnin in a circle. You can’t replace the Moksie! Ha!

Thirdly, instead of torturing real women with your relationship bullshit and fucked up issues, you can just take it to the robot. In fact, I may get one myself for my next boyfriend, and the next time his bullshit comes up, I’ll just direct him to the robot and carry on with my life until I feel like comin back! All the sexist and insecure, lazy men can go shack up with the robots and leave us bitchy crazy real and independent women alone.

No matter how many toys dudes make and wanna play with, they  always come crawlin back to us, even though we’ll be havin a ball with our Diet Cokes, Pina Coladas, and prancing at the beach in out bikini’s while talking about beauty tips all day in some girly girl utopia that you dudes won’t be able to resist crashing and fuckin up  with your ego and penis. Boooo.

And lastly, how do you know some terrorist isn’t gonna get a hold of that software program and order your robot bitch to kill you in your sleep?

So you weigh in: Is this the evolution of masturbation or relationships? Or is this the beginning of the end?

Robot women, the end of mankind? Or just the end of men?

Read more: The First Talking Sex Robot: A (Terrified) User Review | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/my-review-of-the-roxxxy-sex-robot/#ixzz1vTb65N00

You’re Not All That, Facebook!

Published May 31, 2012 by bossymoksie

Worst relationship ever…

A few weeks ago I tried to log onto Facebook when it asked for my phone number. Excuse me? I’m not THAT impressed with you to give you my number so you can get a hold of me when I’m not logged in. I determine when I want to hang out with you okay? You haven’t earned my number so you ain’t gonna get it. I’m not gonna let YOU have more access to me! You already know too much!

So I tried to give you a fake number but you knew it was fake. And now you’re tryin to turn it around on me by saying it’s for my own protection and security????!!! Who’s gonna protect me from you bitch! Who?

You want to know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it, what I’m thinking and also keep tabs on all my friends. In the beginning, I thought we were just gettin to know each other but no, you just wanted to know so that you could use it against me later! Like the ads that creepily know exactly what I like (shopping, cute dresses, ingle guys, local events). And now my friends, bosses and family can see stuff about me I usually hide they normally wouldn’t see. Even the government can be up in my business now! Now I can’t trust you and have to watch what I say to you!

Do you know how controlling you are? Trying to get me to like people, shows and events I don’t really like! (Or enough to ‘like’ their page.) Shoving people’s profiles in my face that YOU think I should befriend. I have a mind of my own! Did you ever think that maybe I was avoiding that particular person or that they may have had a restraining order out on me for breakin their car window once? No, you didn’t, did you? Because you never really think about my needs. You know, I have other stuff to do then be with you ALL DAY!!!!!!!!! I don’t want to play Farmville, or Mafia, or have three instant messaging conversations pop up just because I logged in. And I don’t wanna be bombarded with info from all my friends on that side window when I’m tryin to stalk my ex’s look at other friends profile pages.

The last straw, before the phone number incident, is the fuckin Timeline. You forced me to use the Timeline. Without askin me. Without tellin me really, what the benefits are of it for ME. Just changed it. There are two of us in this relationship you know! For the past year, everytime I come around, you just change the rules of the game. I never know what to expect anymore (and it’s not in a good oops-we hadsexintherestaurantbathroom kind of way)!

You think you can do whatever you want and I’ll just take it because everyone I know is on there. You got another thing comin! I will just have to do with you what I do with my boyfriends that be trippin. Get a back up in case I go the fuck off on you and wanna leave without ever comin back.

Which social media site do you think is the better? Besides wordpress.com? 🙂

There has to be more options dammit!