comedy

All posts in the comedy category

Vampire Boyfriends….WHY?

Published February 2, 2016 by bossymoksie
The Vampire diaries

“The Vampire Diaries” love triangle

Some of you may know that the TV Show The Vampire Diaries is a guilty pleasure of mine. In the beginning, this show was a romantic- horror- teen- angst hybrid but now has downgraded to a basic teen soap with supernatural characters. I thought I was watching it for the love triangle between the three leads (pictured above), but the real reason I was watching was the fierce Katherine Pierce. Sadly, she is long gone with no hope of returning (since the actress playing her has left the show).

katherine pierce

I so wish she was really back!

So now I’m left to wonder; what is this obsession with vampire boyfriends as a good thing? There have been so many popular stories about them, and were made popular by mostly women. What’s more is that there’s usually not just one monster vampire in love with the female protagonist but TWO. And we thought only men were greedy. See exhibit below:

The Vampire Diaries: Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Twilight: Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

True Blood: Suki, Bill and Eric.

Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: Buffy, Angel and Spike.

As usual, I’m here to keep it real. So let’s go over some reasons why vampire boyfriends are the worst and not the oh-so- hot, epically romantic, undylingly devoted soulmate that these stories try to perpetrate.

ONE- They can suck the life out of you. Literally. Why are women so hard up for a guy who sees you as a potential snack? I’ll pass.

TWO- They can suck the life out of the party or room. Again, literally. But in some cases, figuratively. They are always broody and troubled and shit. I’m sure they have had plenty of bad experiences to justify being all broody, but still, what a downer. Some of us WILL die one day so can we at least try to make the best of my limited time without you bringing me down? Thanks.

angel & buffy

THREE- They are Woody Allen craddle robbers in hot boy clothes. Why are all these centuries-old vampires wanting to date 17-year-old girls? It’s like those 50-year-old dudes who want…the same exact thing. Let me get this straight: you have seen the turn of the century, you have seen how the invention of TV and the internet has changed the world, you’ve witnessed wars and famine, read all the classic literature works of art, learned multiple languages and traveled the world.

And yet, the only person you can fall truly, madly, deeply in love with is a teenage girl?

katherine pierce

I don’t fucking think so.

Teenage girls can never make up their mind or know what they want. Especially if they themselves are hot. And I used to be one! I know! They aren’t sure of who they are, but there are you are stalking courting them and professing your undying love. If you were really that vulnerable and deep lonely, why would you place your heart in the hands of a girl who can’t make up her mind as to what she will wear that day, let alone what she wants FOR FUCKING ETERNITY. She is anything but worldly.

Please don’t use the excuse that women mature faster than boys. Sixteen years vs 200 years is pretty ridiculous. You guys aren’t THAT behind us. Wait a minute, I may need to rethink that one…

spike & buffy

Centuries years-old and still can’t think of anything else.

FOUR- His ass always has dangerous enemies. They are coming for him, you, your family and your friends. Because you are his weakest link; again, you are an appetizer to him and his enemies. Guess how you could have avoided all that horror and drama of having those you love killed off as collateral damage? By not dating this creepy, emotionally stunted, undead monster. But he’s hot right so…worth it?

vampire soulmates

How about none?

FIVE- Okay seriously, because this blog post has super useful information that you need in your daily life can you really say no? I mean how will a man-child monster deal with rejection? We know that some real life human men can’t handle it well. But a vampire? He can just out right finish you. Better to pray that one never becomes obsessed with you because he has nothing better to do and is bored as fuck ‘fallen’ for you rather than sitting at home and praying that one of those monsters walks into your life. Even if he is mature enough to not end your life, then you have to deal with him moping around you, staring at you intensely and saving you from some inevitable life threatening car accident/ apocalypse/ serial killer that coincidentally happens shortly after his ass shows up.

As for the middle-aged stans that obsess and fantasize about these fictional characters; You ladies are safe! No threat there!

twilight fans

The idea that you are dating a monster, but he is kind to you is really romantic and appealing…I guess. What’s not so romantic or appealing? Defending their bad behaviors, as so many female characters do in these stories, as well as the stans who discuss these hot and soulful undead dudes in fan forums, and justifying their destructive behavior because these guys are sooo sensitive and sooo lonely just like some women do with abusers.

Ladies, let’s get it together. This is why men turn to being bad boys. Because we are drooling over them, can’t stop pining and talking about them! Men want to be wanted! They will turn into jerks if that’s what it takes for us to obsess over them! We are setting the standard!

But if all the points I made in this post sounds appealing to you, then have at it!

 

 

Moksie’s Non-Date With an Actor

Published April 10, 2014 by bossymoksie

So. James Franco. What’s more interesting than the actual incident are the online reactions from women. Some are clutching their pearls and calling him a pedofile, even though in New York the age of consent is 17. Some are shocked that men in their 30’s hit on 17 year olds. Really? Were you never 17 and hit on by a 35+ year old dude? Some are delusioned convinced it’s PR stunt for his new movie because it’s about a soccer coach who sleeps with a 14 year old…based on a book he wrote. I’m gonna keep my thoughts on that to myself. Yes, even after James Franco admitted to doing it, they still think it’s planned attention whoring instead of being caught at average attention whoring.

Then there are the women who are upset that he is treating a 17 year old like a mere prostitute, while praising the girl for saying no and outing him, but admit that if they were in her shoes they would have done it. Huh? Lastly, there are the fangirls that are slut-shaming the 17 year old. How does that work? So we are slut-shaming girls who actually don’t have sex, because the guy you have a crush on wants to have sex with her? That’s what we’re doing now ladies? Good to know.

I think the most disturbing thing for me is his game. He was super thirsty. He was acting like a 15 year old virgin, who resembles a distant cousin to Quasimodo, and thought this was his only slim shot of getting laid. James, do you not have groupies? You know you don’t have to go down that way? There’s an easier way. Right? Maybe he still needs to feel the thrill of the chase sometimes. Shrug.

 

james franco

Even famous actors aren’t immune to the thirst. For other hilarious memes: http://elitedaily.com/humor/presenting-new-catch-franco-meme/

It’s weird to live in a culture where most women go gaga over these famous attention whores  ‘creative, intellectual’ guys, especially since their desirability is mostly smoke and mirrors. I bet if they really met most of these guys, they would cringe. And in reality, these guys probably have a distorted view about women and intimacy because of the groupies and yes men.  I mean just read the gossip columns.

Just like this successful director and actor I went out with. Well I remembered another story.

Back in my LA days, I went to a friends movie set, just cuz, and met a friend of a friend of his that was a steadily working actor. He had one of those aspirational names that made you wonder if he changed it so he could be unique. Let’s call him ‘Journey’. He seemed really cool and we had a few hobbies in common and he wanted to show me some cool places in relation to these hobbies. I was real excited about these places but when I pitched the idea to my boyfriend at the time, he was not cool with me hanging out with some dude I just met. I invited my boyfriend to tag along but he was still not reassured down. So I cancelled my new friendship plan and didn’t hang out with Journey, though we exchanged polite emails.

Time passed and the boyfriend and I broke up. Journey contacted me out of the blue some time after. I was not attracted to him but I was attracted to access to those cool places. So I thought, okay we’ll be friends and I’ll get to see these cool places and he’ll have the pleasure of my company and attention. Because that’s always a good trade -off because guys usually go for it and I am pretty awesome to hang with. We agree to have friendly drinks to catch up. Let me remind you that there was no flirting! Not even from him. Everything was just conversational.

I meet him at his place. OUTSIDE, BITCHES, OUTSIDE. He invited me in, of course, but I wanted to get to the drinking because I had plans to meet up with my real friends later. We go to this nice wine bar and order. We generally catch up and the wine arrives and things were going my way okay. Until-

While talking he put his hand on my knee.

I picked it up like a wet cloth and tossed it back to his lap. His response?

“Are you religious?”

It’s literally what came out of his mouth. “I’m not fucking religious, I just don’t want you to touch me,” I replied. He then brought up several topics as to why I was such a prude without actually calling me one. Was I a feminist? Daddy issues? Insecure? Body Issues? Like he really was confused as to why I would not want to be fondled touched by him.

At this point I realized that I would be meeting my friends sooner than planned. I also realized that all the cool places and connections he allegedly had wasn’t gonna be worth spending any more time in the same room with him. He then changed tactics subjects. He talked about all the movies he’d been in, all the parts he was up for, the celebrities he knew and worked with, all the awards he won for some karate kid wannabe sport he competed in before becoming an actor, etc. BORING!

If we’re gonna talk about the awesomeness of someone, that someone is gonna be me. But I would settle for talking about opinions, recent news, or jokes even. Somehow, he misinterpreted my look of trying not to fall asleep and leaned in for a kiss.

I pushed him back before he reached my face and said “What are you doing?”

He replied, “Oh, you weren’t feeling that?”

“No.”

This non-date was over. I didn’t even finish the glass of wine. I told him I had to meet up with some people and we had to leave. He didn’t believe me and demanded proof that I had somewhere else to go. He was stunned that I was ready to go and was leaving him. Stunned. And then he tried to shame me about the validity of my excuse to leave.

Whatever. Listen, I have NO shame. I especially don’t have shame in lying, and even less shame lying to an annoying douche, and even less shame than that, being caught in lying to an annoying douche. Has never bothered me. What did bother me was that I was actually telling him the truth. I did not show him proof. I told him I would wait at my car as he paid for the drinks. I drove him back to his place. I didn’t even park, I just stopped on the street for him to get out. He invited me in again. I said no again, then sped off.

I get it. Guys are gonna try to bust a move on you on dates, and occasionally on non-dates. But what made this guy creepy was that he was operating in an everyone-wants-to-fuck-me nonreality, and not in, well, reality. One minute we are talking, and the next he is dry humping my leg. WTF.

Looking back, I realize that dates and non-dates go way better when you go out with someone because of who they are, versus what you think they could give you. Eh, live and learn.

 

What I Learned from “Don Jon”

Published February 8, 2014 by bossymoksie

Have any of you seen this movie?

don jon movie

Men and women think of two different things when it comes to the term ‘happy ending’! lol

The summary and trailer are craptacular, but I liked this movie. A lot.

The trailer shows you the character more than the story. It’s really about a dude looking for intimacy but he doesn’t even know what that really is or looks like. That’s not as sexy of a description as a Jersey Shore wanna be, porn and ScarJo (all of which are in the trailer).

It’s worth watching just for the first 20 minutes when the main character, Don Jon, explains the pros and cons of getting off on porn, versus a real girl. I thought it was hilarious! I thought the last 20 minutes or so were not as realistic as the rest of the movie, but it did show how he sees intimacy differently.

And I laahved Scarlett Johannson’s character. She was the hot diva princess who demanded respect and whatever else she wanted (sound familiar? Yeah, there’s no bias here.) I knew from the beginning that she was manipulating him. She knew what she wanted and wasn’t going to settle for anything less!

However! I did not agree with her messing with his interests and ambitions (or lack thereof). She was trying to make him into something he wasn’t and I am not down with that. Let the boy enjoy his hobbies as long as it doesn’t involve sex with other women.  Her character was hugely influenced by romantic comedies and she thought true love meant that a man would do everything you asked him to, and change into whatever you needed him to be. I do not think that’s fair, especially since men have tried to pull this shit with me. Love doesn’t magically turn you into someone else just so you can please the other person. Her character was less interested in knowing the real him, whereas I prefer to get to know the guy I’m dating because I’m nosy and knowledge is power.

Look, as much as I’d love to mold a man like my own personal play-doh puppet, I know it’s just not possible because I’ve already tried. At best it’s temporary. He’s gonna revert back to his same self. And guess what? That’s what you’re gonna get stuck with. So I just take what I see at face value and judge whether or not I can hang with that.  The main things I’m demanding about is how our interactions will go and how he treats me but it’s not limited to just that.

So what did I learn? The realization that hit me like a ton of bricks was that some men, or boys, don’t know the difference between intimacy and lust. I know women confuse lust and intimacy, as well as fantasy with love, because I am one and from listening to my friends analyzing the shit out of their guy when the reality is right under their noses. I don’t know why I thought men would automatically know the difference.

Looking back at a few past relationships, I can see that the guys were more in lust with me than in love. And I think we both confused that lust for love. They played nice and ‘put up’ with me and my crazy and not-so-crazy demands because they thought that’s what it would take for us to be close and be in a real relationship. But it’s not. And while they would comply with some things, they would be really selfish with others. They obviously cared about me, because they aren’t monsters, but they seemed unsupportive, dismissive sometimes. Then I would label them as jerks and then fuck with them and the relationship. Just cuz. But now I see that, perhaps, they weren’t doing it on purpose, we both just didn’t know what the fuck we were doing! We didn’t know how to get closer or didn’t really want to.

I don’t want to downplay sexual attraction and lust, I do think it’s a good thing to have in a relationship! (And blogger, Introverted Playboy, gives a great argument for why here.)

Anyway, the movie did a great job at showing the differences between what men and women expect love to look like and the way media influences them (porn and rom coms).

I wish romantic comedies were more like this, more honest and a dash of intelligence and without the implied ‘they lived happily ever after, they never had any problems after that or wanted to strangle each other and they always look like a perfume ad’.

Because in real life, once you get into the the relationship, it isn’t happily ever after, it’s just more work!

Here’s the craptacular trailer if you want to check it out:

My Top 5’s

Published January 9, 2014 by bossymoksie

I know everyone has viewed their WordPress stats and all that. So I thought I’d give a shout out to those that help make this blog happen by reading and commenting.

Top 5 Commenters (are guys surprise, surprise)

#1 Is Reema, my game twin! (You beat Social Kenny this year.) My game twin meaning he knows what’s what in the dating world and in life in general, and he breaks it all down here, Reema Chronicles.

#2 Social Kenny, living up to his name while handing out PUA advice at his blog with his in-your-face writing.

#3 Marellus, a lover and a hater of my posts with no blog of his own (that I know of).

#4 Bogs at Smart Day Game where he chronicles his own PUA adventures and lessons.

#5 Chin Up, Chest High who is going through his dating adventures and lessons as a divorcee.

A quick shout out to #6, Serenity Luv, my top female commenter. Thanks!

Ladies speak up! I like to hear from you too! I’m an equal opportunity attention whore-er!

Top 5 Posts

The Money Guy…I Mean the Funny Guy

I Know, I Know, I’m Always It

It’s Our Anniversary!

Why A New Guy Loses Interest

Three Libra Men Strike Out (who knew so many women googled Libra Men?)

I have to give a special thanks to Captain Capitalism for single-handedly making the top two posts as popular as they were. Thanks for sharing this blog with your Manosphere buds. Because every attention whore knows that any attention is better than none, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You’ve given me more views than my actual fans!

Okay, enough about you people. Let’s get back to ME! Here are some of my random personal Top 5 lists.

My Top 5 Things I Love to Rant About

#1 Men Dates

#2 Traffic making me late and not the fact that I woke up late, or left late, or took too long doing my hair

#3 My hair not doing my bidding

#4 Work anything and everything but mostly that I have to do it…sometimes

#5 Anything that I think is Bullshit

My Top 5 Songs of the Moment

#1 No Angel by Beyonce

#2 National Anthem by Lana Del Rey (WARNING: this is the long version of her video and may be offensive to some. I just love that she has mixed kids in the video).

#3 If I Were a Boy, the GLEE cover damn I wish I could sang!

#4 Yonce by Beyonce

#5 Flawless by Beyonce (okay, okay I just got her new album and I am all over it)

My Top 5 Beauty Products I Fell In Love With in 2013

#1 Aloe Juice

#2 Coconut Oil

#3 Lancome anything

#4 Giovanni anything

#5 Nars Bronzer Powder

My Top 5 Drinks I Drank in 2013

#1 Any Margarita specialty drink

#2 Sweet tea vodka with lemonade

#3 Snow cone

#4 Pina Colada on the rocks

#5 Flavored Mojito’s

My Top 5 Sleeping Positions when Next to a Guy

#1 My head on his chest aka him as a human pillow

#2  My feet underneath some part of him aka him as a human foot warmer

#3 Spread out on the bed like a star fish so that he has only a sliver of bed to sleep on

#4 Sleeping on one of his arms so that he has to stare at my beauty all night since he is wide awake (because his arm underneath me is asleep due to me cutting off it’s blood circulation)

#5 Cuddling…awwww aka him as a human heater

Yeah We Want It

Published September 19, 2013 by bossymoksie

Your attention that is.

As a follow up to the book review I did last week, I just wanted to let you guys know that we WANT you to approach us.

Why do you think we spend 3 hours getting dressed, doing our hair and make-up, hours at the mall shopping for the most flattering best outfits, making sure we squeeze in gym time so we can squeeze into our new tight, cute clothes?

It’s not for our health!

We want your attention. We want some guy to come over and dazzle us and buy a drink or two for us and our friends, and most of us would settle just for a guy to come over and say hi.

So you guys shouldn’t be so scared of us ladies! We want a story to tell our co-workers or friends that didn’t come out with us, and that story has to involve YOU whether you fucked up or swept us away.

It’s you guys that make the night or day, more interesting and exciting, even for a few fleeting moment before we figure out that your broke, a player, or boring.

But most of all we are hoping to fall for someone or their bullshit long enough to have a good time that night to distract us from not being madly in love, or even connect with a guy we think is cool and have a good time, platonic or not.

Also, we always feel great when we get more male attention than our friends. TRUTH. 

Attention is an ego boost, and its something we ladies ADORE.

So, step on up. We want you to!