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All posts for the month April, 2012

So Close to Dating Gold…

Published April 30, 2012 by bossymoksie

I always imagine a good date would be having a fancy dress given to you, being flown to another part of the country or world, and watching an opera that makes you cry, even though you don’t understand a word of it because it’s in another language.

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Maybe I don’t have much of an imagination, cuz that’s a scene from “Pretty Woman”. Still, this is what golddigging dreams are made of. I mean, a dude that’s rich and handsome AND falls for you AND you fall in love with him too? A girl can dream (or rent the movie on Netflix).

So you see that I have certain expectations last year when I went out with this actor. Actor is actually stretching the truth because he was basically a well-paid and well known (on sets) extra. He could still get into all the events and parties and had money. And he was cute. We met at an event I snuck into. It’s sometimes easy to sneak into events when you’re hot because everyone always wants hot girls around. For some reason it makes the event seem more fun or happening. Even though we don’t really say or so anything. They just want us around. Like wallpaper.

Anyway, the actor asks me out and lets me pick a place. I go home and google a brunch place with the best mimosa’s for brunch. We go. We laugh. We have delicious mimosa’s. He seemed cool, even if I didn’t understand what he was talkin about sometimes. I blamed the mimosa’s. After brunch, he decides that he’s not ready to let me go. He wants to take a walk. I don’t mind burning off the bacon and bread I ate. We go outside and I suddenly find myself in some back alley with dude tryin to get affectionate. Um how did it go from this:

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To this?

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As he tries to put his hands around my waist, I say “Excuse me”, and step back. “Why are we in an alley?”

He pulls away. “I just wanted to get something out of my car. It’s down there.”

“Go ahead. I’ll wait here.”

He pauses.

Dudes amaze me. What also amazes me is that some girl probably just went with this bullshit. Wow.

“Do you wanna smoke some weed in my car?”

“No.”

What are we, fifteen? That’s something you do on Halloween or Sprink Break, not a fancy schmancy first date. WTF! Seriously, how did he go from Richard Gere in “Pretty Woman” to Dave Chapelle doing his crackfiend impersonations?

“Okay”. He shrugs.

We walk and talk some more and end up at a random spa to get massages. Now that’s more like it. And then we lived happily ever after.

Not really. We talked a few times after that but as it turns out, the mimosa’s weren’t the reason why I couldn’t understand him. He was probably high all the time. And sold weed. Which was why he was a rich actor extra. Oh well, we’ll always have our awkward alley moment.

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Karma IS a Bitch

Published April 26, 2012 by bossymoksie

I ran into an ex a few weeks ago. I was coming back from 7-11 NOT buying junk food. I was getting yogurt. Or something. And lucky for me I was lookin real cute. Dear women of the world: This is the main reason why you should always look good when going out in public. Not in case you run into your dream man. Not in case you run into a potential, or present, employer. Not to get compliments from friends, frenemies, or strangers. It’s to prepare for running into an ex! Cuz there’s almost nothing worse than runnin into an ex and lookin and feelin like crap. You just won half the battle by lookin fly. And yes, it is a battle. And now all you have to do is be great. Lemme show you.

My ex looks good. He is a hot pretty boy, so it wouldn’t be hard. After the greetings he asks how I am. “Great”, I tell him. This should always be your answer. Even if you just lost your job. Even if you just got dumped. Even if you just lost your cat who helped you get over being dumped. Even if someone just died. Even if you gained four pounds by goin to 7-11 every day to buy candy. Even if your best friend just cut you in the stomach by getting the hook up to a Kayne West concert without inviting you!!!!! Everything is great. Great!

Now, I was never in love with this dude. He was a rebound from some other dude. He was hot and broke.  But I didn’t like how he broke up with me. Technically he told me he was fallin for me and then ran away. Guys really have a way. I mean, thanks for tellin me I’m great, but I already knew that. The part that pisses me off was that two days before that it was my birthday and we were all gonna go to this club to celebrate. He never shows up. Doesn’t call. I get this meek voicemail wishing me a happy birthday while I’m drunk and carryin on at the club. And I look dumb cuz the dude I’m with was a no show. Not that there weren’t volunteers to take his place. Still.

So we’re small talkin and he says he’d like to call me. Okay. I always give the okay cuz most guys don’t mean it. He calls. Turns out, he knows my best friend has the concert hook up and wanted to see Katy Perry (really?). I tell him we’re all goin and sure, we could hook him up as well. He’s happy. The night of the concert comes. I tell him to meet us at one of the parking lots at the concert hall, my ass at home doin my nails. He calls me at the parking lot wondering where me and my bff is. I tell him that we didn’t feel like goin but just go to the back door and ask for Usaka Lot. I hang up and laugh cuz there is no hook up. And I know his broke ass had to pay for the parking. I don’t answer the phone after that. I hope (not really) he enjoyed that Katy Perry from the parking lot.

Karma is a bitch. And so am I.

Best Date Ever!…Oh Wait

Published April 26, 2012 by bossymoksie

Great dates are rare. Normally they’re awkward, dull, weird or just okay. One comment or moment could change the tone of the whole experience. And whatever chemistry that you may have built or had, deflates. That’s why when you have a really good one, it stands out.

I met this dude at a bar. Got at me even though I was there with a girlfriend. Didn’t care about rejection. He was going after what he wanted. That’s what I’m talkin about. The following Friday, he takes me out. We go to a happening chain-bar. It’s fun. It’s loud. And I know and love the drinks and food on the menu. We’re drinking and laughing- and of course he doesn’t want the night to end. So we leave and go bar hopping. And club hopping. Place to place we go, drinking, laughing, and dancing. Giving our own reviews of the places neither one of us have been to before. But now the bars are closing. Time to go home. Why didn’t I go home with him? Because I wanted a few more outings, on him of course. Don’t get me wrong, I was attracted to him and had a good time. I was just greedy and wanted more. So I gave him a kiss and went on my separate way.

Later that night he calls me to make sure I got home safe. Aww. Ain’t that sweet.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asks.

“Sure”.

“What does a guy have to do to have sex with you?”

And now the whole date is ruined. Man, if you waited two or three more dates, you would’ve gotten a home run. Too bad you just punted.

“Not ask that question.” I hang up.

But somehow, the date still makes it into my Top Ten Best Dates.  Not sure what that says about dating. Or life.

The Lurker

Published April 22, 2012 by bossymoksie

Please please please don’t do this. For real, guys. What is going through your minds when you just stand around, staring at a bitch for a long time? Or coming within speaking distance, then not speaking but ‘looking’ like you are until- what? You get the nerve to talk to me? Until I notice your sexy hotness and throw myself all over you? (Notice how hot guys never lurk…or maybe I’m just never bothered by it.) I really don’t know or care, just stop it! You will get nowhere with your creepy awkward ass with that tactic. I once had a dude follow me to a hair salon to look at shampoo for 3 hours. Bitch didn’t even have hair. It’s not attractive. It’s weird. It freaks girls out. We’re thinking, ‘how can I get away from this bitch without alerting him that I’m onto his creepy lurking, therefore activating his psycho gene where he will then try to stab me?’

I had a coworker do that. PS- thank God he was fired! He would just hang around the cash register as he was clocking out or when waiting for a ride (from his girlfriend, no less. Can I also add that this dude was ugly- teeth missing, hair missing, height missing, and lookin like he could be a cousin of Gollum). He would stand there looking at my direction, as though he were gonna say something. Then not say anything. Then just flat out stare (like I was a fuckin ring). What the fuck are you thinkin while you stare? Is a whole wonderful convo and interaction playing in your head where I somehow miraculously end up at your place? I don’t wanna know. Go fantasize some fuck elsewhere and not in front of me.

Once he tried the lingering touch, when he wanted to exchange a $5 for $1’s. His hand would kinda linger for a beat too long. Then have the nerve to say , “Why you tryin to hold my hand?”

I just wiped my hand on my smock with a sneer on my face as I put the cash in my drawer. Because your attempt at flirting was weird, bordering on gross. Like, I need to wash my hands now. Maybe in your strange fantasy underground lair, that would qualify as flirting but not in the real world. Especially not with a hot girl who regularly gets hit on by real men, or boys, and not the deformed hobbit you are.

In the real world, flirting means actually talking to me for a few minutes and establishing a flow, instead of staring at me a few feet away like a retarded statue. After that, when he asked for ones, I said I didn’t have any, not caring that he saw me take in a bunch of ones from the customer who just left. Fuck that, weirdo. Of course he would just stare back at me.

The Drive By

Published April 20, 2012 by bossymoksie

I get that men have the burden of rejection when asking us out. I get that it’s sometimes hard and exhausting. I don’t care. It’s exhausting putting you in line. And many girls have the burden of feeling rejection after giving it up too soon. So I hear. So take it like a man and open your mouth and ask me if I’d like to hang out with you in a restaurant where you pay at a future date.

I don’t get the quasi-let’s-hang-but-it-may-or-may-not-be-a-date-depending-on-whether-you-say-yes. It’s fear. It’s half-assed. Do you wanna half-assed fuck me? Didn’t think so. Then ask me out.

I work in customer service. I’m supposed to help people but secretly I’m just there to look good for my public. A co-worker of mine has been trying to work me since I started. Telling me jokes. Asking me questions. So far so good. Especially if you’re actually funny. Which he was. He finds out through another co-worker that I’m single. Then makes a big deal about how if he had known sooner, he would have asked me out. Which would’ve been a good time to actually ask me out. He doesn’t. Life goes on.

Then at the end of his shift, he clocks out then quickly walks by me on his way to the exit doors and says, “We gonna go out, okay. Somewhere really nice.” Then he runs out before I even realize he was talking to me.

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Um,  I know that wasn’t a question. I’m not sure what that was, but that wasn’t asking me out on a date. Because now- what? I’m supposed to follow up with him and ask him when? I have to track him down now? Or check to see if, in fact, he really did ask me out? The ball’s in my court now? I don’t fuckin think so. And my friends say, oh you know what he meant, he asked you out, blah blah blah blah blah. No bitches. What I do know is that if a dude really likes you and has a pair, he will say, I am taking you out, this is when and this is where. There is no doubt what is going on. The only words that should be coming out of my mouth is “hells yeah!” not “um, are we gonna go out cuz I have nothing better to do on a Friday night, and am desperate and no one wants me so I’m following you around hoping you’ll give me 30 minutes of attention this weekend”. No!

What you dudes fail to realize is that your first encounters with us reveal a LOT about how the dating and relationship will go down. (Just like first impressions in a job interview. You wouldn’t show up in jeans and a ripped T-shirt saying that you kinda sort of want to get a paycheck, would you. Would you?) How am I so sure? Experience. So now, I’m thinking, what else is he gonna half- ass that I’m gonna have to step up to make sure it’s done right? Gifts? Promises? Giving me money? And most importantly, sex? The next time I saw that dude I didn’t mention anything and neither did he. So I was right, nothing did happen.