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Vampire Boyfriends….WHY?

Published February 2, 2016 by bossymoksie
The Vampire diaries

“The Vampire Diaries” love triangle

Some of you may know that the TV Show The Vampire Diaries is a guilty pleasure of mine. In the beginning, this show was a romantic- horror- teen- angst hybrid but now has downgraded to a basic teen soap with supernatural characters. I thought I was watching it for the love triangle between the three leads (pictured above), but the real reason I was watching was the fierce Katherine Pierce. Sadly, she is long gone with no hope of returning (since the actress playing her has left the show).

katherine pierce

I so wish she was really back!

So now I’m left to wonder; what is this obsession with vampire boyfriends as a good thing? There have been so many popular stories about them, and were made popular by mostly women. What’s more is that there’s usually not just one monster vampire in love with the female protagonist but TWO. And we thought only men were greedy. See exhibit below:

The Vampire Diaries: Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Twilight: Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

True Blood: Suki, Bill and Eric.

Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: Buffy, Angel and Spike.

As usual, I’m here to keep it real. So let’s go over some reasons why vampire boyfriends are the worst and not the oh-so- hot, epically romantic, undylingly devoted soulmate that these stories try to perpetrate.

ONE- They can suck the life out of you. Literally. Why are women so hard up for a guy who sees you as a potential snack? I’ll pass.

TWO- They can suck the life out of the party or room. Again, literally. But in some cases, figuratively. They are always broody and troubled and shit. I’m sure they have had plenty of bad experiences to justify being all broody, but still, what a downer. Some of us WILL die one day so can we at least try to make the best of my limited time without you bringing me down? Thanks.

angel & buffy

THREE- They are Woody Allen craddle robbers in hot boy clothes. Why are all these centuries-old vampires wanting to date 17-year-old girls? It’s like those 50-year-old dudes who want…the same exact thing. Let me get this straight: you have seen the turn of the century, you have seen how the invention of TV and the internet has changed the world, you’ve witnessed wars and famine, read all the classic literature works of art, learned multiple languages and traveled the world.

And yet, the only person you can fall truly, madly, deeply in love with is a teenage girl?

katherine pierce

I don’t fucking think so.

Teenage girls can never make up their mind or know what they want. Especially if they themselves are hot. And I used to be one! I know! They aren’t sure of who they are, but there are you are stalking courting them and professing your undying love. If you were really that vulnerable and deep lonely, why would you place your heart in the hands of a girl who can’t make up her mind as to what she will wear that day, let alone what she wants FOR FUCKING ETERNITY. She is anything but worldly.

Please don’t use the excuse that women mature faster than boys. Sixteen years vs 200 years is pretty ridiculous. You guys aren’t THAT behind us. Wait a minute, I may need to rethink that one…

spike & buffy

Centuries years-old and still can’t think of anything else.

FOUR- His ass always has dangerous enemies. They are coming for him, you, your family and your friends. Because you are his weakest link; again, you are an appetizer to him and his enemies. Guess how you could have avoided all that horror and drama of having those you love killed off as collateral damage? By not dating this creepy, emotionally stunted, undead monster. But he’s hot right so…worth it?

vampire soulmates

How about none?

FIVE- Okay seriously, because this blog post has super useful information that you need in your daily life can you really say no? I mean how will a man-child monster deal with rejection? We know that some real life human men can’t handle it well. But a vampire? He can just out right finish you. Better to pray that one never becomes obsessed with you because he has nothing better to do and is bored as fuck ‘fallen’ for you rather than sitting at home and praying that one of those monsters walks into your life. Even if he is mature enough to not end your life, then you have to deal with him moping around you, staring at you intensely and saving you from some inevitable life threatening car accident/ apocalypse/ serial killer that coincidentally happens shortly after his ass shows up.

As for the middle-aged stans that obsess and fantasize about these fictional characters; You ladies are safe! No threat there!

twilight fans

The idea that you are dating a monster, but he is kind to you is really romantic and appealing…I guess. What’s not so romantic or appealing? Defending their bad behaviors, as so many female characters do in these stories, as well as the stans who discuss these hot and soulful undead dudes in fan forums, and justifying their destructive behavior because these guys are sooo sensitive and sooo lonely just like some women do with abusers.

Ladies, let’s get it together. This is why men turn to being bad boys. Because we are drooling over them, can’t stop pining and talking about them! Men want to be wanted! They will turn into jerks if that’s what it takes for us to obsess over them! We are setting the standard!

But if all the points I made in this post sounds appealing to you, then have at it!

 

 

Because They Can

Published May 3, 2014 by bossymoksie

I have a friend that’s doing the whole online dating thing. She was supposed to go out on a date with this guy on the weekend. Two nights before the date, he texts her late at night and asks if she would like to come over. She calls him out on the bootie call invitation, he plays innocent. Then she cancels their date, he gets mad and insults her (something about that’s why he doesn’t date black chicks, which black chicks LOVE to hear), she has a comeback for him, then a racially charged insult-fest ensues.

After texting all her friends a snapshot of the text exchange so we could all have a nice laugh , she lamented why guys still did the text bootie call thing.

Because they can.

Okay. I have to talk about this bootie call thing. Unlike my dear friend, I am not shocked that men fish for this. Guys do it because it works. Some girls will say no. But then there are others who will go for it. Guys are about results. They do what works and then they beat it to death until it doesn’t work anymore. Asking girls to come over late at night works. It just does. Is this the guys fault? Hell no. If no girl ever fell for that BS, guys would stop doing it.

True story.

It’s just logic.

I can’t even be that mad at dudes anymore. In fact I’m annoyed with the girls MORE. Because some lonely, bored desperate chick keeps saying yes telling men everywhere that this is all he needs to do to get laid. Guys do it because they can. And that charmer I mentioned above will likely have some girl up in his house at some point by doing the exact thing he did to my friend. Which was just ask in a text.

Just remember ladies, whenever a guy does something stupid to get into your pants to date you, it’s most likely because some stupid chick let him in the past. It’s our fault. Or he’s a clueless jerk. But 9 times out of 10, it’s the former.

Don’t Give a Bitch Your Credit Card

Published April 25, 2014 by bossymoksie

As I’ve mentioned before, I only like to do my job description and nothing else. If it’s not in my job description when you hire me, or promote me, I’m not doing it. And where there’s a will there’s a way. This is why I’ve never learned how to make coffee. This and because I don’t drink it. And yet, I’ve worked in several offices where people tried to make that part of my job responsibility.

It never ends up being my responsibility because I’m never the first one in the office because I’m always running late, and I’m not even drinking it and IT WASN’T IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION BITCH!

I usually get out of it by saying I don’t drink it and don’t even know how to work a coffee pot. But one job had the audacity to try to teach me. I half paid attention. Then when I had to make the coffee, I almost broke the coffee pot by flooding it. After that, they begged me to never go near it again.

Now for the main story of this post. I once had a data entry position. I was new and working a night shift. One night when I was working by myself, this supervisor FROM ANOTHER DEPARTMENT, comes over to me, and asks me if I could call Pizza Hut to order some pizza for him and his department (10 people or less) since they stayed late and were doing such a great job. I looked at him like he was crazy.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

This was my first week working by myself after training. Therefore, I was slow and had work to do. So, no, I was not eager to jump up and do his bidding just to impress a superior or get his approval since I was new. Especially since he wasn’t directly my boss. Furthermore, I am not one of those girls who likes to make sure other grown ass adults are fed, comforted, and taken care of. Because I don’t give a fuck. (And there were a few women that worked there that are like that and would have gladly done this). Don’t get me wrong, I love to win a popularity contest. I love for people to luuuurve me! But on my terms.

I told him that I had work to do and he should just take care of it. He persisted.

He said it would only take 5 minutes, which was complete bullshit. Because it took him 10 minutes to talk me into doing it (and me saying that WHEN my real work isn’t finished, I will tell my boss it was because of this ‘urgent’ task). Then it took him another 5 minutes to show me how to bypass the company’s software so I could get on Google to get Pizza Hut’s phone number. Adding the actual phone call, and the conversation about the stupid pizza before and after it arrived, it was about 30-45 minutes wasted on his bullshit. And I don’t play that. The only bullshit I deal with is my own. He just wanted the little lady to do it. And do it I would. He handed me his credit card and went back to his department. He even said I could have some of that shit. How nice.

I called and they said they had a special. 10 pizza’s for $10 each. I said, sign me up. Sidenote: I’ve actually had jobs where I had to buy coffee or pizza and pick items up. I gladly did it BECAUSE IT WAS IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION.

Anyway, the delivery guy arrived and I pointed him to the direction of the supervisor without even looking up. He went back there and then quickly ran out.

pizza time

You asked for it, you got it. And by ‘it’ I mean a bitch slap.

“ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!” the supervisor screamed from the other room.

He came over to my desk.

“You ordered a hundred dollars worth of pizza?”

“Yeah, it sounded like a good deal.”

“A hundred dollars. What are we gonna do with all that pizza?”

“Eat it.”

“You must be the only person in the world who doesn’t know how to order pizza! You will never order food for this office again!” and he stomped away.

Bitch please.

The following week, he told people what an idiot I was and tried to make me feel dumb. I just laughed. I didn’t care. But the women would walk up to the supervisor and jokingly ask him for his credit card so they could order food for the office, then laugh, at him. I guess he never handed someone his credit card like that before. All the other supervisors laughed and said I won’t be doing that in my future.

THAT’S WHAT I WANTED! Do you really think my feelings were hurt? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

As soon as I became proficient at what I was paid to do and was free from doing bullshit favors, I used my extra time Googling bullshit online, reading celeb gossip, checking Facebook, and browsing Amazon. Too bad I still didn’t have his credit card. Those dumb bitches could think whatever they wanted. My ass is only going to do what I want to do. You’re lucky I want to pull my own weight.

It’s not about working for the job, it’s about making the job work for you.

When Girls Attack…

Published April 18, 2014 by bossymoksie

I love hanging with the girls. I am a girls’ girl who has many a girl friend. I do not understand how girls cannot be friends with other girls Where do you get beauty tips and unsolicited dating advice from? Besides tumblr, instagram, facebook, google search, youtube, blogs, etc. Although I am friends with even those girls.

But there is one thing that really gets on my fucking nerves.

When girls are competing for a guys attention. Usually there’s one or two guys in a room that all the girls make a beeline for. I don’t care if you’re throwing your boobs in his face, bragging about yourself, or even lying about who you are and your interests. The thing that really gets me is when you try to throw ME under the bus.

Here’s how it goes down. Women quickly scan the room and call dibs, sometimes only in their own mind, of which guys belongs to them. Fine. The problem happens when that guy they had secretly betrothed themselves to starts following me around. This happens pretty regularly due to my boobs sparkling personality and dazzling wit.

What do my ‘friends’ do? They make passive aggressive insults about me, or underhanded compliments. They try to make me look bad in the hopes of him losing interest. Surprisingly, not many strangers do this. But my FRIENDS and acquaintances have. Let me break down why this shit annoys me.

ONE- It isn’t even effective. It never works. NEVER. This is one of the reasons why I know when a guy wants someone, he will pursue that female no matter what. Doesn’t matter what his friends say. Doesn’t matter what the cock-blocking bitches who want him have to say or even the desperate things they are willing to do. Hell, doesn’t even matter what the actual female he wants says. He’s going for it.

So you saying that I wish I could kill puppies in my spare time isn’t gonna dissuade him much if he’s attracted. He’s still thinking “Eh, I’d still hit it”. The next time some bitch is getting all the attention from the man of your dreams, try to reveal your best assets when an opportunity arises, instead of trash talking the girl who is murdering your personal rom com fantasy talking with your crush. Trying to spread rumors or discredit my character isn’t gonna get him to back down. And some guys can smell the insecurity and desperation on you. They know they can ignore you now, go after their first choice and hit you up whenever they feel like it. So you need to calm down the thirst.

TWO- You are my supposed friend. I held your hand when you got dumped. I drank with you when you needed to forget about your work troubles. I went hiking with you when you wanted to lose those 10 more pounds that you will probably never lose. But the fact that you’re willing to ignore all that for some dude you just met and talk shit about me just so you can look and feel better about yourself hurts. And is shitty. That’s not what a true friend does. What happened to hoe’s before bro’s? Look I get it, you’re feeling insecure and desperate. At the moment it feels like your only chance of love and happiness and riding on ponies while holding hands is slipping from your grasp. But trust that I wouldn’t knowingly go after someone you want. I can’t help if he’s following me around. You can’t either really. Also, I can’t read your mind when we’re meeting someone for the first time and know that you’re already dreaming about having 2.5 children with him in your dream barbie home.

And wouldn’t you rather get the guy that knows how special you are on site, that follows you around, that you don’t have to sell out your friends, flash your tits or boil small furry animals to get his attention?

Apparently not because-

THREE- 9 times out of 10, the dude these bitches are chasing are douche-bags. This is really the icing on the cake. You are willing to talk smack about the girl who’s gonna be there for you when this douche inevitably disposes of you, or tries his damndest to. So if you’re willing to toss a good friendship in the toilet for that dude, be my guest. For the guy who wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. In fact he probably set the fire in the first place. For the dude who wouldn’t give you five minutes of his attention, and if he does, it’s to make YOU feel like shit so he can feel better about himself. The guy who has no intention of giving you anything you’ve ever wanted, but for some reason you are hanging in there for it to magically happen.

You won’t be shoving me under the bus in the future because I won’t be standing by you anymore. If you wanna take that insecure joy-ride to hell, you can count on someone else taking that ride with you there. Because I am not the one. If you want to be insecure to get an insecure guy, and then put me in the middle of this bullshit dance, because he likes staring at my chest then you be my guest. I’m gonna be elsewhere being awesome.

I’m not gonna be your scapegoat and I don’t want your douche-bag.

scapegoat, thrown under bus

Get your shit together, ladies.

Moksie’s Non-Date With an Actor

Published April 10, 2014 by bossymoksie

So. James Franco. What’s more interesting than the actual incident are the online reactions from women. Some are clutching their pearls and calling him a pedofile, even though in New York the age of consent is 17. Some are shocked that men in their 30’s hit on 17 year olds. Really? Were you never 17 and hit on by a 35+ year old dude? Some are delusioned convinced it’s PR stunt for his new movie because it’s about a soccer coach who sleeps with a 14 year old…based on a book he wrote. I’m gonna keep my thoughts on that to myself. Yes, even after James Franco admitted to doing it, they still think it’s planned attention whoring instead of being caught at average attention whoring.

Then there are the women who are upset that he is treating a 17 year old like a mere prostitute, while praising the girl for saying no and outing him, but admit that if they were in her shoes they would have done it. Huh? Lastly, there are the fangirls that are slut-shaming the 17 year old. How does that work? So we are slut-shaming girls who actually don’t have sex, because the guy you have a crush on wants to have sex with her? That’s what we’re doing now ladies? Good to know.

I think the most disturbing thing for me is his game. He was super thirsty. He was acting like a 15 year old virgin, who resembles a distant cousin to Quasimodo, and thought this was his only slim shot of getting laid. James, do you not have groupies? You know you don’t have to go down that way? There’s an easier way. Right? Maybe he still needs to feel the thrill of the chase sometimes. Shrug.

 

james franco

Even famous actors aren’t immune to the thirst. For other hilarious memes: http://elitedaily.com/humor/presenting-new-catch-franco-meme/

It’s weird to live in a culture where most women go gaga over these famous attention whores  ‘creative, intellectual’ guys, especially since their desirability is mostly smoke and mirrors. I bet if they really met most of these guys, they would cringe. And in reality, these guys probably have a distorted view about women and intimacy because of the groupies and yes men.  I mean just read the gossip columns.

Just like this successful director and actor I went out with. Well I remembered another story.

Back in my LA days, I went to a friends movie set, just cuz, and met a friend of a friend of his that was a steadily working actor. He had one of those aspirational names that made you wonder if he changed it so he could be unique. Let’s call him ‘Journey’. He seemed really cool and we had a few hobbies in common and he wanted to show me some cool places in relation to these hobbies. I was real excited about these places but when I pitched the idea to my boyfriend at the time, he was not cool with me hanging out with some dude I just met. I invited my boyfriend to tag along but he was still not reassured down. So I cancelled my new friendship plan and didn’t hang out with Journey, though we exchanged polite emails.

Time passed and the boyfriend and I broke up. Journey contacted me out of the blue some time after. I was not attracted to him but I was attracted to access to those cool places. So I thought, okay we’ll be friends and I’ll get to see these cool places and he’ll have the pleasure of my company and attention. Because that’s always a good trade -off because guys usually go for it and I am pretty awesome to hang with. We agree to have friendly drinks to catch up. Let me remind you that there was no flirting! Not even from him. Everything was just conversational.

I meet him at his place. OUTSIDE, BITCHES, OUTSIDE. He invited me in, of course, but I wanted to get to the drinking because I had plans to meet up with my real friends later. We go to this nice wine bar and order. We generally catch up and the wine arrives and things were going my way okay. Until-

While talking he put his hand on my knee.

I picked it up like a wet cloth and tossed it back to his lap. His response?

“Are you religious?”

It’s literally what came out of his mouth. “I’m not fucking religious, I just don’t want you to touch me,” I replied. He then brought up several topics as to why I was such a prude without actually calling me one. Was I a feminist? Daddy issues? Insecure? Body Issues? Like he really was confused as to why I would not want to be fondled touched by him.

At this point I realized that I would be meeting my friends sooner than planned. I also realized that all the cool places and connections he allegedly had wasn’t gonna be worth spending any more time in the same room with him. He then changed tactics subjects. He talked about all the movies he’d been in, all the parts he was up for, the celebrities he knew and worked with, all the awards he won for some karate kid wannabe sport he competed in before becoming an actor, etc. BORING!

If we’re gonna talk about the awesomeness of someone, that someone is gonna be me. But I would settle for talking about opinions, recent news, or jokes even. Somehow, he misinterpreted my look of trying not to fall asleep and leaned in for a kiss.

I pushed him back before he reached my face and said “What are you doing?”

He replied, “Oh, you weren’t feeling that?”

“No.”

This non-date was over. I didn’t even finish the glass of wine. I told him I had to meet up with some people and we had to leave. He didn’t believe me and demanded proof that I had somewhere else to go. He was stunned that I was ready to go and was leaving him. Stunned. And then he tried to shame me about the validity of my excuse to leave.

Whatever. Listen, I have NO shame. I especially don’t have shame in lying, and even less shame lying to an annoying douche, and even less shame than that, being caught in lying to an annoying douche. Has never bothered me. What did bother me was that I was actually telling him the truth. I did not show him proof. I told him I would wait at my car as he paid for the drinks. I drove him back to his place. I didn’t even park, I just stopped on the street for him to get out. He invited me in again. I said no again, then sped off.

I get it. Guys are gonna try to bust a move on you on dates, and occasionally on non-dates. But what made this guy creepy was that he was operating in an everyone-wants-to-fuck-me nonreality, and not in, well, reality. One minute we are talking, and the next he is dry humping my leg. WTF.

Looking back, I realize that dates and non-dates go way better when you go out with someone because of who they are, versus what you think they could give you. Eh, live and learn.

 

Ask a Bitch!

Published April 2, 2014 by bossymoksie

Just in time for my two year anniversary as a blogger on WordPress! A despairing commenter in need of advice!

In this blog post series, I answer questions about love, dating and tricky relationship situations in my own awesome way (question in bold):

I would like to bring my story that is probably over even if I still have a hope for a miracle.
I met this guy online, I was not as much into him but first date totally changed everything. There was a massive click. We spent 4 amazing hours together. We was real gentlemen. We met up for another date 1,5 week later as we both were very busy and he had his family over.
The second date we went to the gallery and than to winery place, and again the evening was great, the man was willing o pay for everything (the same case with first date) and really treated me like a princess. He was saying : ‘I must show you this, you need to try this, I will cook this etc” At the end of the evening when we were about to leave each other and I asked him ‘if I’m going to see him again’, he said of course but only if I am as well interested, I said yes and than he gave me a glimpse of a kiss and disappeared. I felt amazing.The next day he texted and ask if he can invite me for a dinner and than we could go and watch one of his move (we both love french movies) at his place.

And here it starts, I lost my trust… I started to think that maybe sex is the thing he is after. Anyway I was not planning to go to his place, but after dinner things turned differently, I went. I slept over, amazing night however we didn’t make the sex. The next day he prepared breakfast an and gave me (lunch to work) what I found very sweet. He was very caring and he mention well – next time you come we will do this, that and that… He drop me to bus stop. I got text from him the next day saying that it took him a while to recover after the night but that he doesn’t regret the magic of the moment. I replied kindly and somehow we arranged to see each other the same day in the evening and maybe it was a mistake. He came over to my area, and he lives very far away. We went for a dinner and going in the through dark forest he stopped he started to kiss me. We stayed like that 5minutes and again unplanned we went to mine. He was very caring and he stayed over but as perviously there was intimacy (we were both naked) but no sex involved. He very wanted but we did not do it, he started to ask if he is doing something wrong and I ensured him that he is very sexy and that I’m very attracted to him is just I need a little more time.

The morning was awkward, we did not speak too much. I felt that he doesn’t like me anymore, and he might felt bad after the night. Two days later after speaking with male friend I decided to drop him a line and he called me the same evening, I asked if he didn’t feel good at mine and he said yes, he said he didn’t feel comfortable that time and he said maybe we should date other people. I felt hurt even if I knew something was in the air. I hung up pretty fast so didn’t get to the details. I send one txt straight after and he replied that “there are guys out there that will make me happier than he could do”.

I was very sad. I knew he was going on holiday next couple of days. I did care a lot about him. I drop him a short text saying: surerly having good time?” while he was on holiday but he did not reply. I thought ok I have to leave it. But than talk to my very wise friend and he said out of the store he can assume that the man may have some sexual issues or complex I have no clue about and that thats why he is stepping back, me from the other side I lost confidence because I started to think that that all he wanted was sex. Anyway I was feeling fine and send him a message to let him know that I ad absolutely good time with him and that the bed moments were absolutely amazing and that its a pity it need the way we both don’t feel good about it at the end. He replied saying: “I got conviction we are looking for different things, do you think differently?”… I replied but haven’t heard from him after and it’s been 10 days. End of story. I moved on. Started dating others but is just not the same I just do care about him deeply and would like to get an advice from anyone anyone if there is anything that I could do to get the man back… or I just have to forget and take it as an amazing moments…?

 

I have heard this story too many times. Hell, I’ve lived this story myself once or twice.

Ladies, I think we all have to remember from time to time that men are not complicated like we are. If he wants to be with you, you will not be able to get rid of him. Even after ruining his favorite sports jersey, or cursing out his boss, or pushing his grandmother down the stairs.

If he does not want to be with you, he will simply not be. He will disappear completely or make the occasional cameo into your vagina life. This guy literally said he is looking for something different than you. Case closed. No need to rack your brain over what you did right or wrong, or what is going on in his mind. HE ALREADY TOLD YOU.  He also said he is not capable of making you happy. BELIEVE HIM. And run. Why would you want to get him back? He either can’t, or doesn’t want to, give you what you want. He is literally telling you to look elsewhere. This isn’t a test. This isn’t a challenge. This isn’t a puzzle. It’s literal.

There is something you can do. For you. Remind yourself of what you want in a relationship and focus on that. I don’t know about you, but I like a man who gladly does whatever I tell him to respects my boundaries, makes it all about me appreciates me and wants to, oh I don’t know, stick around. A man can wine, dine and compliment me all he wants. He’ll have my attention. But he’ll get little else until I know his sun, moon and stars revolve around ME. But you decide what you want for you. It seems like you want a guy who is into you enough to continue dating you and is willing to wait until you’re ready to have sex. This is not that guy.

It’s one thing to talk about adventures together, it’s a whole other ballgame to actually HAVE adventures together. That’s the guy you should be swooning over. Actions always speak louder than words. Pay attention to his actions. Right now, his actions are to ignore you. Is that what you want out of a relationship? To be ignored? Didn’t think so.

I don’t think it’s sexual insecurities that made him back away. Based on what you wrote, he was trying to score (and your instincts picked up on this!). Which is why there was a part 2 in that 3rd date. When you said you needed more time, he wasn’t interested in giving it. Whatever his issues are, remember that they are HIS issues, not yours. Don’t dwell on it.

Focus on the guy that will give you what you want. Not on the guy running away from you.

 

If anyone wants my bitchy advice, please ask away in the comments section or email me at bossymoksie@gmail.com. I will answer in a future blog post.

If you don’t want my bitchy advice, you might get it anyway.

No, I Don’t Want to Give You My Email Address

Published March 27, 2014 by bossymoksie

Shopping is one of the most wonderful, glorious things in the world. Especially when it isn’t your money you are spending. 

I love getting new things and imagining all the wonderful experiences I’m gonna have with my new outfit/jewelry/make-up/latest health and fitness trend. For me, shopping is like Christmas, which might be why I buy gifts for myself as well as others when the real Christmas finally rolls around; STUFF FOR ME!

Good times. Except for when you get to the cashier.

The cashier rings you up. As she/he takes your money, they ask “Do you have an email address?”

Of course I have an email address, bitch! I’m not some backwater redneck, or an 80-year old afraid of the world wide webs. Everyone has an email address. The real question is, do I want to give it to you?

Listen, I’m already giving you my semi- hard earned money. I don’t want you contacting me all hours of the day and night, trying to get me back to your store with lame offers. The offers are usually 15% or less, or for bulk buying. Who really needs 6 bottles of Jasmine Smoke lotion and body wash? Especially if you’ve already bought that the last time you were there?

When I go shopping, I want to go in there, have some fun, and get out. I don’t want you to have all my contact info so you can stalk me. I’ll come back when I want something from you. No strings attached. I’ll see ya when I see ya. My purchase isn’t a lifelong commitment! It was one transaction, it’s not forever!

This is probably how a dude feels about a needy one-night stand. Because it’s definitely how it feels to have a fling with a needy dude. 

I made the mistake of doing that with a store I frequented a lot and I got an email EVERYDAY, and none of the offers and sales were worth running over there. Every day, I opened the email hoping there would be some ‘50% off just for you because you’re awesome and always here anyway’ offer. Never happened. Tease.

I know what times of the week and year to go for the best deals, with or without your harassment emails. I don’t need you constantly contacting me, or giving my information out to your affiliates so they can harass me too. I also don’t need a credit card from you so I can be in debt to you. You are my bitch, not the other way around. I’m not gonna drop everything to come running to you just because you sent me an email. I so would for the right price though. When I make it rain well, sometimes sprinkle in your store, you’re the one who jumps up and dances. Furthermore, I am not clogging up my email with your BS so that I can’t see the ones from my REAL friends with their BS.

You’re already getting my money! What more do you want you needy bitches! My first born?!

My life doesn’t revolve around you! I have shit to do. Like shopping at other places.

Whenever they ask me that dumb ass question I just shake my head and wave my hand, waving their stupid question away like the boss I am.