twilight

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Vampire Boyfriends….WHY?

Published February 2, 2016 by bossymoksie
The Vampire diaries

“The Vampire Diaries” love triangle

Some of you may know that the TV Show The Vampire Diaries is a guilty pleasure of mine. In the beginning, this show was a romantic- horror- teen- angst hybrid but now has downgraded to a basic teen soap with supernatural characters. I thought I was watching it for the love triangle between the three leads (pictured above), but the real reason I was watching was the fierce Katherine Pierce. Sadly, she is long gone with no hope of returning (since the actress playing her has left the show).

katherine pierce

I so wish she was really back!

So now I’m left to wonder; what is this obsession with vampire boyfriends as a good thing? There have been so many popular stories about them, and were made popular by mostly women. What’s more is that there’s usually not just one monster vampire in love with the female protagonist but TWO. And we thought only men were greedy. See exhibit below:

The Vampire Diaries: Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Twilight: Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

True Blood: Suki, Bill and Eric.

Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: Buffy, Angel and Spike.

As usual, I’m here to keep it real. So let’s go over some reasons why vampire boyfriends are the worst and not the oh-so- hot, epically romantic, undylingly devoted soulmate that these stories try to perpetrate.

ONE- They can suck the life out of you. Literally. Why are women so hard up for a guy who sees you as a potential snack? I’ll pass.

TWO- They can suck the life out of the party or room. Again, literally. But in some cases, figuratively. They are always broody and troubled and shit. I’m sure they have had plenty of bad experiences to justify being all broody, but still, what a downer. Some of us WILL die one day so can we at least try to make the best of my limited time without you bringing me down? Thanks.

angel & buffy

THREE- They are Woody Allen craddle robbers in hot boy clothes. Why are all these centuries-old vampires wanting to date 17-year-old girls? It’s like those 50-year-old dudes who want…the same exact thing. Let me get this straight: you have seen the turn of the century, you have seen how the invention of TV and the internet has changed the world, you’ve witnessed wars and famine, read all the classic literature works of art, learned multiple languages and traveled the world.

And yet, the only person you can fall truly, madly, deeply in love with is a teenage girl?

katherine pierce

I don’t fucking think so.

Teenage girls can never make up their mind or know what they want. Especially if they themselves are hot. And I used to be one! I know! They aren’t sure of who they are, but there are you are stalking courting them and professing your undying love. If you were really that vulnerable and deep lonely, why would you place your heart in the hands of a girl who can’t make up her mind as to what she will wear that day, let alone what she wants FOR FUCKING ETERNITY. She is anything but worldly.

Please don’t use the excuse that women mature faster than boys. Sixteen years vs 200 years is pretty ridiculous. You guys aren’t THAT behind us. Wait a minute, I may need to rethink that one…

spike & buffy

Centuries years-old and still can’t think of anything else.

FOUR- His ass always has dangerous enemies. They are coming for him, you, your family and your friends. Because you are his weakest link; again, you are an appetizer to him and his enemies. Guess how you could have avoided all that horror and drama of having those you love killed off as collateral damage? By not dating this creepy, emotionally stunted, undead monster. But he’s hot right so…worth it?

vampire soulmates

How about none?

FIVE- Okay seriously, because this blog post has super useful information that you need in your daily life can you really say no? I mean how will a man-child monster deal with rejection? We know that some real life human men can’t handle it well. But a vampire? He can just out right finish you. Better to pray that one never becomes obsessed with you because he has nothing better to do and is bored as fuck ‘fallen’ for you rather than sitting at home and praying that one of those monsters walks into your life. Even if he is mature enough to not end your life, then you have to deal with him moping around you, staring at you intensely and saving you from some inevitable life threatening car accident/ apocalypse/ serial killer that coincidentally happens shortly after his ass shows up.

As for the middle-aged stans that obsess and fantasize about these fictional characters; You ladies are safe! No threat there!

twilight fans

The idea that you are dating a monster, but he is kind to you is really romantic and appealing…I guess. What’s not so romantic or appealing? Defending their bad behaviors, as so many female characters do in these stories, as well as the stans who discuss these hot and soulful undead dudes in fan forums, and justifying their destructive behavior because these guys are sooo sensitive and sooo lonely just like some women do with abusers.

Ladies, let’s get it together. This is why men turn to being bad boys. Because we are drooling over them, can’t stop pining and talking about them! Men want to be wanted! They will turn into jerks if that’s what it takes for us to obsess over them! We are setting the standard!

But if all the points I made in this post sounds appealing to you, then have at it!

 

 

50 Shades of Kinky F#^*%@y!

Published May 18, 2012 by bossymoksie

I’ve been hearin a lot about this book called “50 Shades of Grey”, and I’m sure every person on this planet has heard of it now. How it’s about a young girl who becomes a ‘submissive’ to a rich dude and lives happily ever after. And the media is latching onto the BDSM, the spanking and kinky fuckery, as it’s called in the book. Time Magazine is even calling Feminisim movement into question, since women are lovin a book where a woman gets dominated and spanked. “The Today Show” had Dr. Drew on there who said he was ‘concerned’ for the state of women to be so hooked on a book about a young girl becoming a submissive and that the book condoned violence against women.

Here’s an article tearing apart Dr. Drew’s credibility on this subject if you’re interested.

http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-03-14/dr-drew-is-mansplaining-your-sexual-desires-for-you-50-shades-of-grey-fans/

Which makes me wonder. Did any of these media bitches read the book? I did, cuz after hearing/seeing the headline, I decided that I needed to read it and join the haterade. It was based on some Twilight fan fic called MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE and I knew that shit was fiction just from the title. Cuz we all know who run this. Hint: not dudes.

And um, this was more “Pretty Woman” with kinky sex (and lots of it!) than “Twilight” with kinky sex. The lead female, Ana, doesn’t even become a submissive, in fact, he ends up pretty much pussy whipped (not literally) by the second book. She runnin things. They end up getting married (no prenup btw) and having kids and living in a JCrew ad by the end of the third book. So she turns a rich, hot as fuck, billionaire who was into dominating and bdsm,and could have any woman he wants, into a PG-13 loving husband and father? Um, now do you understand the real fantasy here that women are hooked on? (Hint: it’s not the paddle or whip, which was barely even used fyi). How has the media missed this? What kind of crackpot news industry do we have that makes sweeping generalizations without doing their fuckin research? Why aren’t they advertising the REAL storyline? (easy, cuz sex sells.) And why are they so shocked that women have sexual fantasies too? Men have strip clubs and porn and fuckin sex dolls, but women get hot over one book and feminism as a whole gets questioned? WTF?

The sex scenes are hot, but ultimately most women love that an ungettable unicorn became putty in some unremarkable girl’s hand. That’s what they were really getting off to. Master of the universe is really us ya’ll and the book confirmed it! (That’s why I loved it.) And for any girl with an ego and loves power trippin, this is the ultimate goal. Like for the dude to get that hot woman who is also a brilliant scientist and loves comics and sports to commit to him and be a complete freak in the bedroom (and love him too). It’s a fantasy. Calm down.

PS- Dear Kirsten Stewart, How weird is it that some middle-aged mom got off writing this book about you and your boyfriend?