Just in time for my two year anniversary as a blogger on WordPress! A despairing commenter in need of advice!
In this blog post series, I answer questions about love, dating and tricky relationship situations in my own awesome way (question in bold):
I would like to bring my story that is probably over even if I still have a hope for a miracle.
I met this guy online, I was not as much into him but first date totally changed everything. There was a massive click. We spent 4 amazing hours together. We was real gentlemen. We met up for another date 1,5 week later as we both were very busy and he had his family over.
The second date we went to the gallery and than to winery place, and again the evening was great, the man was willing o pay for everything (the same case with first date) and really treated me like a princess. He was saying : ‘I must show you this, you need to try this, I will cook this etc” At the end of the evening when we were about to leave each other and I asked him ‘if I’m going to see him again’, he said of course but only if I am as well interested, I said yes and than he gave me a glimpse of a kiss and disappeared. I felt amazing.The next day he texted and ask if he can invite me for a dinner and than we could go and watch one of his move (we both love french movies) at his place.
And here it starts, I lost my trust… I started to think that maybe sex is the thing he is after. Anyway I was not planning to go to his place, but after dinner things turned differently, I went. I slept over, amazing night however we didn’t make the sex. The next day he prepared breakfast an and gave me (lunch to work) what I found very sweet. He was very caring and he mention well – next time you come we will do this, that and that… He drop me to bus stop. I got text from him the next day saying that it took him a while to recover after the night but that he doesn’t regret the magic of the moment. I replied kindly and somehow we arranged to see each other the same day in the evening and maybe it was a mistake. He came over to my area, and he lives very far away. We went for a dinner and going in the through dark forest he stopped he started to kiss me. We stayed like that 5minutes and again unplanned we went to mine. He was very caring and he stayed over but as perviously there was intimacy (we were both naked) but no sex involved. He very wanted but we did not do it, he started to ask if he is doing something wrong and I ensured him that he is very sexy and that I’m very attracted to him is just I need a little more time.
The morning was awkward, we did not speak too much. I felt that he doesn’t like me anymore, and he might felt bad after the night. Two days later after speaking with male friend I decided to drop him a line and he called me the same evening, I asked if he didn’t feel good at mine and he said yes, he said he didn’t feel comfortable that time and he said maybe we should date other people. I felt hurt even if I knew something was in the air. I hung up pretty fast so didn’t get to the details. I send one txt straight after and he replied that “there are guys out there that will make me happier than he could do”.
I was very sad. I knew he was going on holiday next couple of days. I did care a lot about him. I drop him a short text saying: surerly having good time?” while he was on holiday but he did not reply. I thought ok I have to leave it. But than talk to my very wise friend and he said out of the store he can assume that the man may have some sexual issues or complex I have no clue about and that thats why he is stepping back, me from the other side I lost confidence because I started to think that that all he wanted was sex. Anyway I was feeling fine and send him a message to let him know that I ad absolutely good time with him and that the bed moments were absolutely amazing and that its a pity it need the way we both don’t feel good about it at the end. He replied saying: “I got conviction we are looking for different things, do you think differently?”… I replied but haven’t heard from him after and it’s been 10 days. End of story. I moved on. Started dating others but is just not the same I just do care about him deeply and would like to get an advice from anyone anyone if there is anything that I could do to get the man back… or I just have to forget and take it as an amazing moments…?
I have heard this story too many times. Hell, I’ve lived this story myself once or twice.
Ladies, I think we all have to remember from time to time that men are not complicated like we are. If he wants to be with you, you will not be able to get rid of him. Even after ruining his favorite sports jersey, or cursing out his boss, or pushing his grandmother down the stairs.
If he does not want to be with you, he will simply not be. He will disappear completely or make the occasional cameo into your vagina life. This guy literally said he is looking for something different than you. Case closed. No need to rack your brain over what you did right or wrong, or what is going on in his mind. HE ALREADY TOLD YOU. He also said he is not capable of making you happy. BELIEVE HIM. And run. Why would you want to get him back? He either can’t, or doesn’t want to, give you what you want. He is literally telling you to look elsewhere. This isn’t a test. This isn’t a challenge. This isn’t a puzzle. It’s literal.
There is something you can do. For you. Remind yourself of what you want in a relationship and focus on that. I don’t know about you, but I like a man who gladly does whatever I tell him to respects my boundaries, makes it all about me appreciates me and wants to, oh I don’t know, stick around. A man can wine, dine and compliment me all he wants. He’ll have my attention. But he’ll get little else until I know his sun, moon and stars revolve around ME. But you decide what you want for you. It seems like you want a guy who is into you enough to continue dating you and is willing to wait until you’re ready to have sex. This is not that guy.
It’s one thing to talk about adventures together, it’s a whole other ballgame to actually HAVE adventures together. That’s the guy you should be swooning over. Actions always speak louder than words. Pay attention to his actions. Right now, his actions are to ignore you. Is that what you want out of a relationship? To be ignored? Didn’t think so.
I don’t think it’s sexual insecurities that made him back away. Based on what you wrote, he was trying to score (and your instincts picked up on this!). Which is why there was a part 2 in that 3rd date. When you said you needed more time, he wasn’t interested in giving it. Whatever his issues are, remember that they are HIS issues, not yours. Don’t dwell on it.
Focus on the guy that will give you what you want. Not on the guy running away from you.
If anyone wants my bitchy advice, please ask away in the comments section or email me at bossymoksie@gmail.com. I will answer in a future blog post.
If you don’t want my bitchy advice, you might get it anyway.
bossymoksie 
I have an alternative perspective and one that comes from my personal experience.
What is it that she actually did to let him know that she was interested in him? Because from this letter she has been a very passive participant in this fling / dating / relationship / whatever it was. “He did this, then he said this, he took me here, he went there, then he told me…” seriously ladies you can’t expect the man to do all the work… you need to show us that you are interested and not just using us for an ego boost. This isn’t just about that she wouldn’t sleep with him, beyond getting nekkid I see very little evidence that she has made him feel that she wanted him.
From that perspective he grew bored with doing all the chasing while she sat back and didn’t match his interest – he gave up.
But I agree that regardless of why he is giving her the brush-off, it seems he is no longer interested.
And women love to obsess on the why. There’s no use, you have to accept what happened, move on, and look forward to a better experience in the future.
That’s a perspective I hadn’t thought of, mainly because I’m not a guy! But a lot of times when girls tell their dating stories, (at least to me whether online or in person) they focus on the guys actions and leave out what they may have done and said. (Mainly because they are focused on his actions and trying to figure them out). I’m assuming she did show interest, besides the nudity; she encouraged other dates. But in general, you’re right, women should contribute something more than showing up to build a connection.
The story is incomplete and it doesn’t add up completely but based on what she sent you, she comes across as really quite passive here.
It wasn’t that long ago that I was dating the girl I refer to as Indiechick. You may remember that she was very passive despite encouraging subsequent dates, I felt I was getting nothing back from her. We didn’t get naked, we didn’t even kiss and she hung back at any and every attempt at flirting with her… yet she still kept wanting to meet up. That was too much hard work so I gave up. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that’s what has happened here.
I guess the lesson for your poster is to be clear about what she wants – cut back on the mixed messages and step up to the plate to show him that she is just as interested
Sounds like she had you in a trick bag…After the first date you should have charged her. If you doesn’t kiss you on the first date she’s not interested.
Yes I remember Indiechick. I think she just liked your attention and company. I think this scenario is slightly different. Your dates with her were far apart in time and she would take forever in responding to you. In this scenario, the girl kept in touch with him in a timely manner, and they had three dates in three days. Also the nudity. A girl usually doesn’t go from no flirting or affection to getting naked. (unless they are really young or shy). That’s why I assume she showed some interest, even if only a little. I agree that she sounds very passive in her telling of the story and he was putting in a lot of work. But why?
It’s been my experience that if a guy wants to go on 3 dates in 3 days in the very beginning of a relationship, and is trying to go to a bedroom or any private place, it’s because he’s trying to get laid. It’s not about building a connection. Especially when it looks like the girl may go for it. The only reason why a guy has ever bailed on me after 3 or 4 dates of not having sex, was because we weren’t having sex already. And that doesn’t upset me, because he saved both of us time. He realized she was unsure about him and moved on. She should see it as a blessing (because that’s not what she wanted, otherwise she would’ve went for it) and keep it moving.
LOL Reema.
I get where you are coming from Moxie and I completely understand your perspective. It is more than possible he only wanted to sleep with her.
It’s just struck me at how screamingly passive she has come across here (she explains how he is doing things rather than the two of them doing things together). In that situation, I personally would have got frustrated – sex or no sex and regardless of how long it took to chalk up three dates
I do agree with you on that she seems passive in the way she wrote this and disn’t seem like she gave him much to go on.
Happy 2 years!!
Thanks!
This advice is good but not for this girl. She’s clearly playing sex games and just looking for guys to wine and dine her. How can you come over my house, spend the night, but not think I’m going to try and sleep with you? Every guy is going to try and sleep with you. That’s what you’re actions are saying. It gets worse because she tells him to come to her area the next day. They have another date and end up at her place NAKED and she’s still playing games. This guy realized that nothing is ever going to happen with her so he charged her to the game. That was the right thing to do. This should be a valuable lesson for men. This is girl game 101. Women will use the sex carrot and dangle it in front of your face to see what they could get out of you. They will act like they’re going to sleep with you, then flip it on you. If she’s not giving you 100% cooperation, charge her to the game.
Reema, keepin it 100! I don’t think this girl was purposefully trying to get more ‘things’ and attention from him. I know THAT girl game all too well! I completely agree she was giving him mixed messages though. IMO she was getting ‘caught up’ in the courtship high and wasn’t clear about what she wanted beyond him trying to seducing her. And yeah, lots of women do this all the time! And some of them do string guys along for a long, long time. If she knew she didn’t want to have sex with him, she should not have gotten naked with him. I won’t even go to a guy’s house after 10 pm if I know I do not want to have sex with him, dating or not. Because I want it to be clear.
I wasn’t trying to imply that the guy in this scenario was playing games. He was consistent and obvious about his interest and his wants. And when it was time to move on, he did.
Regardless, the guy was 100% right: they are on different pages. She needs to realize that and be okay with moving on. And figure out what she really wants and act accordingly.
I don’t know I have to agree with you about the games. I myself don’t want to spend the night with a guy to lay naked for nothing…and well I would not be spending the night after the 3rd date…but not judging her…but it did seem like a few mind games here. I can understand if you had a few drinks fell asleep but damn you done took off your clothes and nothing…charge her!
Yes, but imo, the mind games she was playing was with herself, which ended up in sending him mixed signals. (That’s how it happens!)
I think she liked the attention and really wanted to like him and end up happily ever after and all that but I don’t think she really liked him (she said she wasn’t even attracted or interested in him until the first date). I think she just really liked the idea of having sex with him and being with him but in reality, probably wasn’t that attracted to him as a person and was hoping to convince herself over time. Time that he wasn’t willing to give. (which was smart for him)
I can go for this theory as well but women need to stop trying to play build a bear with men…you cant make them do anything or be anything you want…like u said…Smh! Im still mad she laid naked and no sex. Lol
i agree with reema’s idea of playing games. the first time, well maybe she gets that one but shortly after you do it again? maybe she is interested but her actions do not necessarily say the same thing
I’m LOL-ing at the male comments here. It seems this commenter hit on a sore spot? Women are usually inconsistent when they are unsure about what they want out of relationships, or from the specific guy they are dating. If it had been the guy in this scenario asking me what to do about a girl who was giving mixed messages, I would tell him to back off of her. But the question was from the girl, and it was how could she get this guy back. Which is why I told her to move on, stop focusing on the attention he gave her, and focus on what she really wants for her future. She can’t show her interest now, it’s too late.
I know this is pretty common with women to act this way, and I haven’t been on the receiving end of this so that’s why her behavior doesn’t bother me.
Guys sound butt hurt? haha It’s because she is acting oblivious to the situation. Like why doesn’t he want to date me anymore? Why isn’t he interested? So if we’re going with she was confused then I get that side of the game. Like you told her, she needs to get her mind right. She’s all over the place.
As far as mix signals from women, when I was in the dating game I didn’t believe in women giving mix signals. Either she’s interested or she’s not. My mindset was always that I know what I bring to the table. I know I can upgrade your game. Either step to me correct or I’m charging you.
Oh okay, I understand the reactions now. I’m being very general here but women like to cloud shit up and we talk ourselves into and out of things. This is why we are more complicated! We don’t even realize we’re doing it half the time! But sometimes we do and then try to act innocent. lol
I think your mindset is a great one to have, one that all people should have. Know what you have to offer and what you want, and only invest your time and energy on people who are on the same page or who can step up. Otherwise, keep it moving. Saves you from a lot of heartache.
I am the same way, game twin :).
I think the guy knew what he wanted and she did not. It sounds to me he wanted somebody who knows what she wants.
She started giving huge mixed signals and he moved on.
Also sounds to me like he was bringing to the table a lot and she was not bringing anything.
Also, do not think women complicated, women just emotional and emotions change from moment to moment.
What I find interesting that this guy dating tactics is clearly AFC, but still he moved on once he realized that it is not worth his time.
I agree about women being more emotional, but to men, that is complicated since they don’t come at life the same way.
That is interesting that he was doing the most in those first few dates. Maybe that’s why his abrupt departure threw her off. Usually when guys go that hard, we think they are really, really into us and we have the luxury to be flakey, or string them along.
Dear Bossy.
I got into a fight with a raving feminist about reproductive rights condoms. This is how I finally replied :
[Note from MOKSIE: Comment redacted due to lengthiness and irrelevancy to what’s important to me. ME.]
… the thing is Bossy, this woman is still trolling my comments. What am I doing wrong ?
Sincerely.
Marellus.
First- Why oh why are your comments so long?!
Second- Just stop responding to her.
Third- Glad to see your still alive and kicking.
You’re missing the point … what this whole episode has taught me, is that there are women that is not least bit intimidated … at knowing that there are galaxies in this universe, which resemble their butt-holes.
Do you agree ?
Because if you don’t, BM, I do most solemnly promise to luridly describe an almost treatment for your bosoms …
Kapeesh ?
*… that is not the least bit intimidated …*
*… an almost similar treatment …*
Heineken.
I did miss your point and I’m still missing it. Are you saying the woman with the question and your complainer have their heads up their asses?
And if so, why oh why couldn’t you have just said that!
God bless you BM.
Happy Anniversary!
Thank you!!!
You mentioned some key facts on this blog that every woman needs to know…A man is usually not that complicated and when they tell you something like they don’t want you…it’s best to believe them. Great post….Great advice
Yup, men are more direct than women usually. I see this as a blessing for us! Even if it’s something we’d rather not hear at the moment.
At this point she’s painted herself in a corner. All she can offer up to him is her ass, and “that’s a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there” if he doesn’t accept.
Even if he does accept, he has already written her off and she still won’t get what she wants. Which is why I told her to move on.