Why a New Guy Loses Interest

Published January 20, 2013 by bossymoksie

I came across this video the other day and the guy, Matthew Hussey, really touched on something I’d like to share with you ladies.

You don’t have to watch (it gets longwinded) but here it is:

**link jic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q92KkMI8d8g

In the video, this girl asks this UK dating coach, Matthew Hussey, why men lose interest after a few dates. My response would have been because you’re annoying or too easy, forget him and move on. But his response was that when a girl spends too much time and is too available upfront AND  is in lovey dovey girlfriend mode too soon, he gets turned off or loses interest.

I agree. I’d also like to add onto his theory by saying this: When you act like an insta-girlfriend, the guy will think you’re needy, desperate, and happy for anyone’s attention. This doesn’t make him feel attractive or special or wanted. It makes him feel uneasy and  suddenly responsible for some cute chic’s feelings he barely knows and hasn’t had a chance to develop deep feelings for.

I know it feel counterintuitive, girls. We LOVE attention. So we assume that dudes do too. So if we like him, we want to give him tons of our undivided attention. But the only guys who want that much attention up front are needy attention whores themselves, or just simply whores trying to fuck you to make you feel comfortable enough to spread your legs sooner rather than later. They are not in love ladies. THEY DON’T KNOW YOU.

And here I thought it was my bitchy wonderful personality that kept guys coming back for more, sometimes even when I don’t want them to.  Turns out it’s because I sparse out the time we spend together in the beginning due to my own preoccupation with myself my fabulous life and self interests. And guys have to compete with that in order to get, and keep, my attention. But they probabaly stick around because I’m amazing too. ; )

New guys don’t get a priority in my plans. Even if the first date was great. Even if the next date was great. Even if the first few times were great. Because I don’t know if the next time will be great or not. It’s new. And if it’s ALL GREAT, that just means it’s downhill from there.  So I’d rather have a gauranteed good time doing something else. Whether it’s happy hour with the ladies or an impromptu fashion show at my house for myself when I suspect I lost 2 pounds by magic. Why would I spend a WHOLE weekend with some dude I barely know? And give him the opportunity to annoy me? Until the guy has proven himself, he gets one night out of the week, two if he’s lucky.

Guys like to compete. And win. It’s the nature of the beast. So they are competing against your preoccuation with your fabulous life. They want to get in there. Which means, be interested in something. Be passionate about something and have it in your life. Keep yourself happy. I love how the girl in the video asks if she should pretend to have a life and turn down dates from the guy she likes.

No bitch!

Get a life! For real! Stop playing games and making shit up. Having a life does two things:

1-distracts you from obsessing about the guy that lost interest or didn’t call you back
2-makes you more interesting to the dude that does call you back and wants to stick around

Having a life doesn’t have to mean curing AIDS, having a high-powered career,  or helping frail ladies across the street. Because God knows I do NONE of these things. It just means being interested and passionate about a few things and having it in your life.

I can’t, and won’t, count how many times my girlfriends have told me,  ‘You have to let him know how you feel and be available every second or else he’ll feel discouraged and his fragile fragile feelings and ego will be crushed and he’ll stop trying and walk away and lose interest and curl up in a ball like a little baby waby. And you don’t want him to give up and go away just because he didn’t know you really did have feelings for him and lose the love of your life.’

Really? When has that ever worked unless it’s to make him have a guilt trip? He doesn’t need to know anything!  What he needs is to earn my time, my attention, my feelings, and my girlfriend status! That’s all he needs to know.

NEWSFLASH: They like it. They WANT to.

That is what makes him feel special and wanted. Because he had to use his skills, his wits, his character, his game to get you. He had to climb that mountain and beat the wilderbeast to the ground and pick daisies or some shit. He did it and he won! He won the prize, YOU. And now he feels special and that you are too. You surrendered because of his actions, not just because he showed up.

Telling him you like him, giving him anything and everything upfront, jumping through hoops, acting like his girlfriend just because he spent two weekends in a row with you does not make him feel special. He is thinking you would do this with anyone.

I know you ladies like to save your psychological warfare for bitches you hate, but sometimes you need to do it for the man you like. It’s for his own good. 🙂 And yours.

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47 comments on “Why a New Guy Loses Interest

  • Telling him you like him, giving him anything and everything upfront, jumping through hoops, acting like his girlfriend just because he spent two weekends in a row with you doesn not make him feel special. He is thinking you would do this with anyone.

    We (I am male) have a hunter instinct. I don’t like women who play hard to get for the sake of it – because that is an ego trip and I will quickly lose interest – but I want a little bit of a challenge. If I ask “are you available Friday night for dinner?” don’t immediately text me back and say “Yes! Where are we going then?!?!?!?” Text me back “no, not Friday, I’m working late and colleagues want me to go for a drink afterward. Is Saturday afternoon ok for you? lunch at XXXX? Saturday evening I’m having a girly night in with uni mates and a chic flick!”

    We do want you to make time for us to show us that we matter to you, to show us that you are interested. But don’t throw yourself at us because, as you said, we’re going to wonder how many other men to whom you are making yourself so readily available. You want to feel special, and so do we!

    • And there you have it! Male confirmation!
      I didn’t mention making sure that you make time for a guy because girls will read that as leaving their whole weekend open! But yeah, you can’t completely ignore the guy, you have to spend some time with him. Just not ALL of your time until he’s earned it!

      • Or at least until you decide you want to move from “dating” to “relationship”. Equally, do I want a girl who is always on my back to meet up after just 1 or 2 dates? No, aside from the “hunter instinct” thing, desperation is not attractive.

  • Let me give you an example from tonight. I have a second date tomorrow with a woman I seem to have really clicked with. There was definite chemistry. When I told a female friend tonight how well it was going she asked “Think you’ll spend the night together?”

    My first thought was “what’s the rush? If something’s that promising it will be worth waiting for”. The girl who said that I know has thrown herself at guys after a first date and they run away so fast their feet don’t touch the floor.

    Too available = desperation = not sexy!

    • Desperation is never attractive, from either gender.
      I think girls forget, or choose to forget, that a guy will wait if he thinks you’re worth it. Or maybe they don’t wanna find out whether or not the guy will think they’re worth it…

  • I think the guy in the video made a great point about it not actually being a game: just be yourself and make yourself be amazing. If you have an interesting life and are just taking life as it comes, you will be naturally attractive and won’t have to worry about the “rules” you will find posted everywhere (internet, books, friends, etc).

  • It’s a very delicate balance between making is work and.being available. The problem is the women who date solely for an ego boost and nothing more. It’s hard for a while to determine a woman’s true intent but if it’s the same as the man’s then it’s all good.

  • Some women are just desperate and it shows. I would immediately charge her to the game is she was acting like my girl after the first few dates.

    The same advice can go for the dudes. We both know a lot of guys LOVE rolling out the red carpet on the first date.

    • So you don’t like too much cooperation then. lol

      But yeah, it can go both ways. I think girls will sometimes still give that guy more of a chance though because we really do like the attention and think we can somehow make it work.

      • hahaha there’s a thin line between being desperate and being cooperative. I would think something was up if she was too cooperative. A lot of guys let ego get in the way and they really think they’re that fly. My third eye is always open.

        Yeah give him a chance to trick off some money!

  • Amen, Moksie. I would also like to add that it’s extremely unlikely anyone will be able to find a healthy relationship unless they learn to have a healthy relationship with themselves first. That means truly loving themselves, having a full and interesting life, and being content with their own company.

  • I read a book on this very topic. I call myself the B.I.T.C.H. Babe In Total Control of Herself. I use to accomadate and make myself available. For what. I have other stuff I like to do and I do not sacrafice on the front-end for a dude I don’t even know like that.

    One guy I was seeing wanted to go out on a back to back nights early on and I told him I couldn’t cause I had a knitting class. He was dumbfounded that I chose knitting over seeing him. I will enjoy my life an not push it to the side to jump at his demands.

    • Was the book called “Why Men Love Bitches”? I read that book! And as I was reading I thought, I already do most of this! lol
      I don’t mind being available and accommodating, but you gotta earn it first! You don’t get it just because you gave me 10 minutes of your undivided attention.

  • I decided to write as I found our article ver appealing.
    I would like to bring my story that is probably over even if I still have a hope for a miracle.
    I met this guy online, I was not as much into him but first date totally changed everything. There was a massive click. We spent 4 amazing hours together. We was real gentlemen. We met up for another date 1,5week later as we both were very busy and he had his family over.
    The second date we went to the gallery and than to winery place, and again the evening was great, the man was willing o pay for everything (the same case with first date) and really trated me like a princess. He was sayig : ‘I must show you this, you need to try this, I will cook this etc” At the end of the evening when we were about to leave each other and I asked him ‘if I’m going to see him again’, he said of course but only if I am as well interested, I said yes and than he gave me a glimpse of a kiss and disappeared. I felt amazing.The next day he texted and ask if he can invite me for a dinner and than we could go and watch one of his move (we both love french movies) at his place. And here it starts, I lost my trust… I started to think that maybe sex is the thing he is after. Anyway I was not planning to go to his place, but after dinner things turned differently, I went. I slept over, amazing night however we didn’t make the sex. The next day he prepared breakfast an and gave me (lunch to work) what I found very sweet. He was very caring and he mention well – next time you come we will do this, that and that… He drop me to bus stop. I got text from him the next day saying that ‘ t took him a while to recover after the night but that he doesn’t regret the magic of the moment. I replied kindly and somehow we arranged to see each other the same day in the evening and maybe it was a mistake. He came over to my area, and he lives very far away. We went for a dinner and going in the through dark forest he stopped he started to kiss me. We stayed like that 5minutes and again unplanned we went to mine. He was very caring and he stayed over but as perviously there was intimacy (we were both naked) but no sex involved. He very wanted but we did not do it, he started to ask if he is doing something wrong and I ensured him that he is very sexy and that I’m very attracted to him is just I need a little more time. The morning was akward, we did not speak too much. I felt that he doesn’t like me anymore, and he might felt bad after the night. Two days later after speaking with male friend I decided to drop him a line and he called me the same evening, I asked if he didn’t feel good at mine and he said yes, he said he didn’t feel comfortable that time and he said maybe we should date other people. I felt hurt even if I knew something was in the air. I hung up pretty fast so didn’t get to the details. I send one txt straight after and he replied that “there are guys out there that will make me happier than he could do”. I was very sad. I knew he was going on holiday next couple of days. I did care a lot about him. I drop him a short text saying: surerly having good time?” while he was on holiday but he did not reply. I thought ok I have to leave it. But than talk to my very wise friend and he said out of the store he can assume that the man may have some sexual issues or complex I have no clue about and that thats why he is stepping back, me from the other side I lost confidence because I started to think that that all he wanted was sex. Anyway I was feeling fine and send him a message to let him know that I ad absolutely good time with him and that the bed moments were absolutely amazing and that its a pity it need the way we both don’t feel good about it at the end. He replied saying: “I got conviction we are looking for different things, do you think differently?”… I replied but haven’t heard from him after and it’s been 10 days. End of story. I moved on. Started dating others but is just not the same I just do care about him deeply and would like to get an advice from anyone anyone if there is anyhing that I could do to get the man back… or I just have to forget and take it as an amazing moments…?

    • I don’t think it was a case of you being too available in your case. He wants something else (most likely fast, easy sex) different than you so he is cutting his losses and moving on. I suggest you do the same. If he wants to see you again, he will contact you. Let him work for it.
      I would also suggest you do something that really excites you to distract you from thinking too much about this guy and give you something exciting to look forward to in your day. Over time you’ll get over it and hopefully will meet someone else who you are crazy about AND wants to stick around.
      I’m gonna write a post this week to give a more elaborate response to your situation.

      • I have to really disagree with you, Bossymoskie abotu her being too available. I think she was not available enough. All due respect to you women, but us guys are sexual beings just like you girls. But unlike girls, us guys have huge appetites. We want sex all the time and how we can get some is constantly on our minds. But we know that for relationships to last we need to have patience and we need to also wait until a girl is ready. However, a lot of us who are dating and are in our 30s and maybe 40s are wondering, am I wasting my time and energy on just one girl who doesn’t put out after a month of 9/10 dates? I will stick around without sex if i am really head over heels but I take not putting out after a month as a sign that something’s wrong — like this guy asked — with me, that somehow I am not motivating enough I am not doing enough. Now, I went out with a total nympho once and she didn’t put out until 2-3 months in — but she still made me ‘feel real good’ if you know what I mean, getting down and dirty on the floor of her apartment. She was a single mom and like I said a total nympho and she controlled herself and didn’t let me have sex with her until about 3 months in, but that’s okay because we just adored each other and it didn’t feel like waiting. But I’ve also been with women who, claimed to be interested in me but were total head cases. I mean total daisy-picking, I love you, I love you not kind of types. All she wanted to do was “say” she was crazy about me, not “show” me she was crazy about me…it doesn’t have to give me sex, but get me to a boner stage and bring me off and let me do the same for you…sexual pleasure is a part of adult desires and I won’t deny that…but this bitch really had it coming, to lead this guy on to the brink of thinking he’d get sex and he clearly was pulling out ALL the stops for her. But she would get him excited and ready and just to the edge…and then not put out. Girls, if you really *care* for a guy you will fulfill his sexual desires even if it does not include his penetrating you, at least a month in or so. If he is sexy and arouses you then let him bring you off too…it can be very sensual and magical. I have been blessed to have it happen twice in my life where I fell in love at first sight with someone and they did too, and it was beyond amazing. But this guy clearly went all out and probably also overextended himself financially in order to show her an amazing time, and I am not saying she is a ho or anything but he probably just got fed up with spending his time and energy pouring that into trying to create something with her, just for their to not end up being any magical, physical connection. Us guys approach relationships with our dicks more than our hearts more than half the time…I’ll admit it…but our loyalty goes to the woman whose heart says yes to our heart, and also to our dicks. The way to keep a guy with you, girls, is simple: just do the little things to show you you’re into him physically. This girl I just got done dating, I finally ended up giving her the brush, because she would “sext” me and make me cream my jeans and made me horny for her in person but just kept on withholding not only her emotions but also her heart. Also, we would make out, and five seconds after we started, she’d stop and ask if she’s doing it right. She started and stopped the whole night long, always worrying if she’s doing it right when she should’ve just let go and have been emotional with me. Guys equate physical-ness with emotion. We equate chemistry and emotion and magic and clicking with — well — being sexual (and again, I don’t necessarily mean penetration has to occur — get frisky!) Right now as I write this I am in my 30s and my hormones are pushing me to the edge…I am trying way too hard in my relationships because I just want physical intimacy so badly — along with my love. Guys need both. But if you aren’t also sending even physical signals that you are sexy and you want us and you need us, at least just a little bit, or just make that “love connection,” we are going to get tired of you and move on to someone else. Because all of us are eventually going to die — bitches who act like bitches and play games and be hard to get to a fault end up making the guy just say, “you know, she’s just playing games. I’m going to spend my time and my energy on someone else.” All I’m saying is, it’s a question of degree. I like working to get a hard to get girl, but I don’t like feeling after going out for a month that I am still on Date #1. I don’t want to still be at that emotional level, and I’ll leave if I feel like that is the case.

      • This discussion is getting pretty interesting. I’ll have to re-chime in with some of the latest take but interesting comments to say the least on the topic.

  • My main, and most important, advice for this woman was to forget this guy and move on. There’s not anything she can do at this point. I would never advise a girl to have sex with a guy if she is not completely comfortable and ready to do so. She wasn’t. Also, this advice is framed for the girl in this situation. If it were from the guy’s POV, my advice would be different. (Or I guess it would be the same thing- for him to move on!)
    I gave a more full answer to her here: https://bossymoksie.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/ask-a-bitch-34/
    And you’ll see in the comment section a bunch of guys saying similar things as you; that she lead him on and strung him along.
    If you haven’t learned this already, girls love attention, they love having a guy being interested in them, even when they don’t share the exact same desire or interest in return. Sometimes we confuse that love of attention with actual feelings for the guy. Hence the mixed messages or games, if you will.
    My advice for you, and I know you didn’t ask for it but you left your dating history on here, is to learn the difference between the ones that are stringing you along, and the ones that are truly trying to build something with you. It sounds like you can tell when a girl is opening up to you and shows you her desire. Go with that. If a girl is consistent, that is a good sign. If there are mixed messages (like Ms. Sexting), or if you’re just not on the same page and your gut is telling you to move on, do so! Don’t waste your time. And don’t waste your energy complaining about it either.

  • This is the best thing I’ve ever read. Love it! I can’t count how many times I’ve told my girlfriends these same things. This week even. She didn’t listen…

  • What a load of shit from an entitled bitch. I have to earn you? Go fuck yourself. I am willing to chase a girl, but if she wants me to get on my knees and beg she can go suck another dick. Most women fall for the guy giving them the least amount of attention. This entire article is bs.

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