So by the age of 13, most of my friends were having sex. They had beaten me to the punch because my boobs hadn’t come in yet I still thought boys had cooties and were boring. My friends would come back and tell me the equivalent of a horror story. Bleeding, pain and heartbreak when the dude abandoned them. Shit, I didn’t want to be a part of that! That sounded like no fun at all! Why did people have sex? Why did people talk about it so much? Why were there so many songs about how great it was? What was with all this propaganda? After the boobs came Sooner or later the dudes were always trying to get at me so for awhile I just messed with their heads,
and that’s when the training for mind fucking dudes began. There was no way that I was going to be the one who felt bad! So I put it off as long as I could.
All that changed a year later when the new school year started. There was a new student who was so unbelievably hot and cute. It was lust at first sight. And I thought, ‘Him. He is the one.’ So we went out on a few dates. And that’s all I needed to get it on. And it was good. No bleeding until the fourth time, when we really started goin at it. We were not phased. And for awhile, we were doing our best rabbit impersonations. Anytime, anyplace. And I finally understood the sex hype! It was all true! But the sex haze wore off. The sex haze is when you’re in the beginning of a relationship and the sex is great and you think the person is the best person that ever existed and that everything will be great always and forever. And then, it wears off. Reality sinks in and then you see this person for what they really are: average. Boring. Rude. Dumb. How did you miss that? Oh yeah, the sex haze fogged that shit up.
So that’s what happened. I realized, I didn’t really know this dude, and since he was my first, I probably should? Because few of my friends had gotten a boyfriend out of it, I wanted to see if I could. By this time, we were hangin out only once a week. I would call him to chat and he would want to know when we were gonna hump next. One time he asked me if I thought he was interesting. I said yes. The main thing that was interesting about him was the sex, so technically it wasn’t lying. I mean he bragged about stupid shit, and at least he put a positive spin on things, but really, having your dad insult you and a stolen bike isn’t that great. He thought everything was great. It wasn’t (except our sex). I asked him the same. And he answered, “Kinda. Sometimes.”
Kinda? Sometimes? Did he just say that to me? Out loud? Oh I know, this boy was on crack or something. He was a loser who couldn’t recognize this greatness before his very eyes??? Who was he to judge??? Who the hell did he think he was? LL Cool J? (This was pre-Kanye West).
“I’m interesting as FUCK!” I yelled at him and hung up the phone. I didn’t speak to him again. And now he works at a gas station with a beer gut and baby mama drama and I have an award winning blog and a boyfriend who wants to travel the
Americas world with me. Who’s boring now?