I was at the store the other day getting junk food groceries and found myself walking behind some straight up do-ragged guy who was talking to himself in the parking lot. No, he wasn’t on his cell phone, as he wasn’t holding one and he wasn’t wearing an earpiece. Okay…Well he gets to his car first and finally notices that this hot ass was walking behind him. As I walk past him, he mumbles, ‘damn you sexy’. I assumed he was still talking to himself, mainly because I didn’t want to acknowledge him or talk to him. Didn’t matter. Cuz he got into his car and pulled up to mine as I was about to get in.
“Hey,” he says, “do you think I could give you my phone number?”
Now is a good time to let you guys know what goes through our heads at this moment. See, you guys can complain all you want about having to be the aggressor, the initiator and the risk of rejection and ego humiliation. But do you have any idea as to what WE have to consider??? Everything:STD’sbabiesfinancialhardshipsecurityagebeautybiologicalclockswaterweight
insecuritieshorninesstime. We have bigger risks of fuckin up our sexy bodies. There are LOTS of factors we have to consider. BUT, if the guy is handsome, charming, funny, or rich enough, or all of the above, then we gotta weigh those factors in too. We have to judge if it’s really worth it!
What now follows is a complicated mathematical equation that rolls through our brains to help us weigh the situation and to see what benefits may outweigh the drawbacks that will influence our ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. It looks something like this:
(Disclaimer: I was never good at math.)
Charming + Rich – Possibly Diseased Manwhore + ( Funny + Smart) – Baby Mama Drama + Travel = yes.
Hot + Sweet – Always Busy + Similar Tastes – (Possible Single Mother + Dying Alone) – Constant Pining = no.
***FYI- Loneliness has a lot of weight in the equation. Sometimes it rules everything else out and looks like this:
Loneliness + (Can’t stand another night by myself + I’ll never get anyone to look at me) – Ugly – Dumb – Diseased – Cheater – Baby Mama Drama – Broke – Fat – Loss of my self-respect = yes.
It’s also the variable that changes its weight of importance from moment to moment. So the same equation above could equal a no. And at any point in the relationship, we could change our minds. See? Complicated.
Now, we gotta make this assessment quickly, especially when asked on the spot, as in this case of the dude in the parking lot. Other times, you might have more time to gather more info for your equation, for instance if you have a class together or go to the same gym, or if some dude keeps visiting you at work. But at these spontaneous times, you just have to make a snap judgment decision. In this parking lot scenario, this guy was broke as a joke straight hood but more importantly, was TALKING TO HIMSELF OUT LOUD IN PUBLIC LIKE A HOMELESS SCHIZOPHRENIC BUM! having a whole conversation with himself in a parking lot.
So it went like this in my head:
Kind of a gentleman for offering his number (- kind of a pussy for not asking me for my number) + Hot, Rough Sex – Broke – Non-shiny car – CRAZY AS FUCK AND MIGHT KILL ME = no.
I just said ‘no thanks’ and quickly hopped into my car. When it comes to crazy people, don’t engage.
And you thought approaching a woman was hard.