Where I answer your questions about love, life and hairy, awkward, difficult, uncomfortable, lousy, unacceptable situations (questions in bold):
What should I do when someone stands up in front of me at a concert? I didn’t pay to see them shake their butt in my face!
If it’s a dude, flirt with him and dance beside him. Fun times! If it’s a girl, ‘accidentally’ spill your drink on her shirt. Then she’ll have to leave to clean it up.
What do u do if a stranger congratulates you on your pregnancy but you aren’t in fact pregnant at the time?
Shame Thank them for noticing that you’ve gained 15 pounds by going to Chik-fil-A everyday for the past two weeks and remind them that their ass is fat too.
I met a HOT girl the other night, but she has a boyfriend. He’s not in town next weekend and she wants to hang out. Did I mention she’s really bangin? Fun too.
It’s obvious you want to fuck her. If you do, don’t fall in love. Cuz it’s also obvious she fucks around.
How come when I stop at the light and somebody with a sign asking for money looks my way and passes near my car I get all nervous and hope they will just hurry up and pass by so I don’t have to feel guilty about giving them money, since they don’t know I have two kids to feed.
You just feel bad because you could give a fuck about the homeless because you have multiple mouths to feed at home. Own it and stop feelin bad/guilty.
I want my guy crush to come to my birthday party. I don’t think he will, but I know which bar he hangs out on Sunday nights. I want to throw my party there on a Sunday night, but none of my friends want to come because it’s a work night. What should I do?
diabolically genius desperate ish right there. He should be BEGGING you to attend your party, but that doesn’t seem like a reality here. It comes down to choosing between yo’ ho’s and the bro. Choose wisely. (A.k.a. the ones who will be there when that douche stabs your heart vs the douche that may give you birthday sex and never call again.) Either way, have no shame in your game. Bitches don’t understand you tryna get yours!
If you want my bitchy advice, please ask away in the comments section. I will either answer it there or in a future blog post.
If you don’t want my bitchy advice, you might get it anyway.