I miss phone calls. Sometimes I’m busy! Sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I forget to put the ringer on, or I’m screening calls, or I just don’t want to be bothered, or I left my phone somewhere and I’m somewhere else. Oh well. I’m not one of those people who keeps my phone on me 24/7. Which is why I don’t get when
men people act like it’s life or death when I miss their phone call. It’s never life and death. It’s usually something like ‘I bought oranges today’ or ‘Did you see ‘TruBlood’ last night?’
And yet if I don’t pick up the phone, I get fussed out by some dudes for not deeming them more important than waiting for my nails to dry. They come up with stuff like ‘ I could have died. I could have been in trouble. Some real shit coulda been goin down.’ Okay, let’s walk through this logic for a minute.
You’re walking to your car after buying some oranges and a van filled with drug cartels pulls up, snatches you and throws you into their van. They tie you up in a dungeon and beat you up. As you lay on the floor, bloodied up and fearing for your life, you see a cell phone in front of you. There’s less than one bar of battery left, but you can make one phone call.
Who will you call? Apparently not the cops or the FBI. Not your mother, or uncles or siblings. Not even Chuck Norris. You are gonna call some fuckin hot chick you met three months ago, who most likely will not pick up the phone because she’s conditioning her hair with organic avocadoes. I will later see the missed call and call you back. There will be no answer of course because you have been kidnapped. And I will just write you off as the jerk that disappeared.
OR- your kidnappers say they will set you free if the next person who answers your cell phone picks up. So you choose…me? What if I do pick up the phone? What are you gonna say?
“I’ve been kidnapped by drug cartels and this is my only phone call. Hot chick with big boobs who rarely lets me touch them, you are my last hope. Please save me so I can motorboat you one last time!”
Why would you be callin me if your life was in danger? Or if you were about to die?
So you are walking down the street and you get hit by a bus. As you are bleeding to death, you feel your life slowly draining out of you, you reach into your pocket, pull out your cell phone, and call….not your mother or siblings, not the hospital, not even a priest. You will call some hot chick.
And say, “I just wanted you to know, with my dying breath, that your breasts are spectacular.”
In which I will reply, ” Thank you. Thank you.”
As much as I love compliments, that is just dumb reasoning. I know you’re reasoning is bullshit. But if it’s your way of making me feel
guilty selfish like a superhero, then thank you.
But seriously, if it really is life or death, do not call me. I got other shit to do.