Ask a Bitch!

Published May 28, 2012 by bossymoksie

“You can trust me. I’m beautiful.”
“True.”

Where I answer your questions about love, life and hairy, awkward, difficult, uncomfortable, lousy, unacceptable situations:

Dear Bossy Moksie,

What should I do if I like his friend instead of the guy picking up on me? -somanyoptions

Dear Somanyoptions,

Turn to the friend and start flirting with him. Make the transition with a joke like, ‘Is your dick bigger than his? I’m sensing by those tight pants that I won’t be satisfied over there.’

Dear Bossy Moksie,

When a guy buys a drink for me what should I order? -shydrinker

Dear Shydrinker,

Uh, the most expensive drink on the menu that you can’t afford yourself. Duh!

Dear Bossy Moksie,

So I met this dude at a temp job. I was bored so I passed the time flirting with him thinking that I’ll never see him again. I gave him my number with the intention that I’d just ignore it if he called. He did and I did. I figured I would never have to see him again. But I just found out the temp agency wants me to go BACK to his job next week. I need that paper, so there’s no way I can turn it down. (Money over Bitches!) So how should I handle the situation when I see him? -gettinthatmoney

 Dear Gettinthatmoney,

Pretend like you’ve never met him before and then ignore him. Look at him like he’s crazy as he recounts your past flirting and his texts to you. Or, if that’s too much work, tell him that you got married since you last saw him.

Dear Bossy Moksie,

How do I tell my sister I don’t like her boyfriend? -pickysis

Dear Pickysis,  

Follow this script. “Bitch, your boyfriend is a loser. He’s ugly, he’s fat, he’s hairy, he’s not funny, he can’t tell his ass from his eyeballs, broke and he stares at my breasts. I don’t like him. What? He’s skinny and has a degree? Well, I meant the last part.”

Dear Bossy Moksie,

I’ve been dating this guy for 6 weeks. Memorial Day weekend has come and gone and he didn’t ask me to hang out with him or his family. I know they had a big bbq because he told me they did on our second date! I asked him last week if his family was still having that big bbq. He said yes. But he never invited me and he hasn’t even called me this weekend, like I’m going to invite myself! Should I break up with him? -memorialdayloner

Dear Memorialdayloner,

Your name says it all. You are alone. Consider yourself passive aggressively dumped by this dude. Go out to a club as soon as you can and flirt with as many men as you can. Go home with the hottest one and fuck his brains out. Forget the other dude. Unless he comes back at you with flowers and jewelry (or anything resembling an apology). Don’t mention the clubbing.

If you want my bitchy advice, please ask away in the comments section. I will either answer it there or in a future blog post.

If you don’t want my bitchy advice, you might get it anyway.

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