I was talking on the phone with a dude I’d just met the other day. And dudes like to ask some stupid questions. Of all the dumbass questions dudes ask me (“What does a guy have to do to have sex with you?” “Are you crazy?”), this is the one that actually makes me want to punch someone in the throat.
“Do you cook?”
Firstly, most people know how to ‘cook’ or at least put a mayo sammich together so that you don’t eat your own hand. But that’s not why he’s askin. I know why he’s askin. Cuz he’s looking for a side of good, home-cooked meals along with hot pussy. And he’s hoping this hot chick will be the one to do it. It’s a good thing guys don’t hold their breath. Becuz this chick is not the one.
After tellin him ‘no’, I thought the subject had ended. But then this bitch had the nerve to ask me three more times in the SAME conversation, variations of the question. (.i.e what are you cooking tonight? What do you usually cook? Do you like to cook?) No bitch! I already told you I don’t cook real meals so what’s with the follow up questions! You ain’t eatin nuthin unless it’s below my waist. And the only way you eat’n real food is if you are paying for the food in a public place. (Ordering in is only allowed once a week!) And repeating the question isn’t gonna suddenly make me a cook. Or want to be a cook. I’m not one of those bitches who senses what you like and then pretends to like it so you’ll like me. I don’t care. You either want this or you don’t. Do you want me to lie? (Probably) then keep it up until I explode and go off on you in your face? (Yeah, you didn’t think that far, did you?)
This isn’t the 1950’s. It’s the new millenium. Women do other shit with their time. I’m not auditioning to be your momma or your assistant so keep it moving! Betty Crocker and June Cleaver don’t exist bitches! Stop it. Just stop.
Furthermore, I am not desperate. I will not pretend to be anything, or give anything other than who I am and what I got. I’m not gonna cook you to lure you into my life. Don’t have to. Next! There’s no excuse for repeatedly askin that question. You broke and gotta work. Guess what so do we! You rich and don’t have time. Guess what, you can buy a cook! Why stop there? Why don’t you ask me if I’m double-jointed? Why don’t you ask me if I like facials? If I’m a squirter? Why don’t we just cross off everything off of your fantasy wish list since you’re more interested in that than in actually GETTING TO KNOW ME.
But since we’re makin assumptions based on old ass conceptions of gender, I would also like to respond to that question with a few of my own. Like, what size is your dick? What’s your bank account statement look like? I’m not kidding, these are things I wanna know. But at least I have the courtesy to wait and ask in indirect and covert ways on our first few interactions. Unlike you.