The Unicorn

Published May 16, 2012 by bossymoksie

I was at the club the other night and I met a dude. He wanted to dance. We danced and did the small talk. I don’t like to stick with one guy for the whole night, I like to shop around. So after two songs, I bid him goodbye. He asked for my number and I told him I would take his instead.

“Ugh! Why are hot girls so difficult!” he said.

“Excuse me?!”

“I just mean, hot girls always make things difficult.”

“Because everyone asks hot girls for their number and instead of screening my harrassers, I like to choose when I’ll contact you.” I tell him pointedly.

Then I walk away, I was done. Because if he thought that was bein difficult, there was no way he was gonna be able to deal with my demands me later down the road.

I have heard many a male friend/ first dates/random pick-ups complain about hot girls. How demanding we are. How difficult we are. How we can’t, or won’t, talk about anything that interests them. How single-minded we are. Well here’s a little tip from me to you. Hot girls know how to be hot. Plus one other thing, maybe two. That’s it. The end. It takes a lot of research and work to be that hot! We don’t just roll out of bed and the hotness happens. We can’t just brush our teeth and throw some gel into our hair, like you dudes do, okay?

*A hot girl is the girl who may or may not have been born pretty, but obviously has put in the time, energy and money into her appearance- hair, make-up, clothes, plastic surgery, etc. She wants men the world to think she’s beautiful. And usually people fall for it.  See Paris Hilton. (Or just about 90% of Hollywood ‘beauties’).

Besides knowing how to be hot, we will know one other thing, and it’s gonna be something weird like the history of smurfs or the varioius shades of pink for doll houses or all the variations of Reese’s peanut butter cups. Or something mundane like baby drool, fast food restaurants, and celebrity gossip. I know you want it to be sports and beer and boobs and regular news, but that’s not gonna happen. That only happens in the movies. Like Cameron Diaz in “There’s Something About Mary”. (Or Richard Gere in”Pretty Woman” for us girls). You may as well just hope that a fuckin unicorn is gonna take a magic dump on your lawn. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

We know about being hot. Doin hair, flirting, clothes, bein in shape. So if you wanna date hot girls then you’re gonna have to put up with our talk of self-tanner brands and whether or not Angelina Jolie had a nose job. If you wanted a drinking bud or sports bonding bud, then you better go somewhere else with that shit! Dudes need to manage expectations and stop complainin. What are they expecting? Someone to be as exciting and interesting on the inside as they are on the outside? Think again, buddy. Get your mind away from fantasy-troll-lord-of- the-rings-land and back to reality.

I know, I know. We’re supposed to know how to make it clap, know Derek Jeter’s batting average, and all the latest features on the Audi and whatever other boring shit you dudes are into.  My advice? You wanted a hot girl and now you got one, so stop bitching!

PS- Don’t ever tell some girl who’s pants YOU are trying to get into that she is being difficult because you weren’t smooth enough to make her easy. That’s on you.

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4 comments on “The Unicorn

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