First Lesson

Published March 29, 2012 by bossymoksie

I have decided to come to the world wide web and share a few lessons on dating in that wild jungle out there. Booyah. All my experiences with the opposite sex will now be put to good use. Trust me, you bitches need this. I get hit on all the time. I’ve been dealin with dudes since I’ve first learned how to talk and strut. And you dudes need to learn a thing or two.

The other day I was riding the train to the mall when some dude tried to talk to me. Some dude always tries to talk to me. On the train. At the grocery store. In a friends’ car. If I’m in public, there’s a 90% chance that some dude is gonna talk to me and see what’s up. My job is to let him know.

At this particular instance, the dude was telling jokes. Jokes are good. How can I stress that this is the BEST opener a dude can do? No repetitive compliments. No intrusive questions. No monologues on how great you and your life is. (I know it’s not, otherwise you wouldn’t be on the train/neighborhood bball court/dollar general/free health clinic). Just give a girl a good joke and you got yourself a few minutes. Disclaimer: it better be good, funny, or corny enough to get a good reaction. If you are not funny, DO NOT PROCEED. You are just fucked. Best learn how to get your funny bone on cuz it’s one thing that could help over ride your other weak ass shit.

So, we get past the jokes and we do small talk for a few minutes. The dude then admits that he was a good krumper and can show me the moves, right on the train. I get way too excited over this, because I love love love hip hop dance and admire any of those bitches who do it and do it well. He’s a recreational krumper. Then instead of krumping, he continues chatting. So I say,”Uh, are you gonna get your krump on or what?”

He replies,”Wow, you really were excited about that, weren’t you?”

Did you not see the twinkle in my fuckin eye? Did I stutter?

I say, “Yeah, let’s get this show on the road!”

He looks around and says, “Let’s wait til the train stops.”

Great. Now I gotta hang out with this mofo until my stop just to see if he’ll maybe do some krumping.

“The next stop is mine.” I lie.

“Oh.”

Beat.

“I’m not gonna do it.”

WTF????? Why did you bring it up? Why did you offer knowing damn well you didn’t mean it. You dangle something in front of me, only to not deliver? You already messed it all up. And instead of impressing me, you pissed me off.

“Oh well.”

I take out my cell phone and start texting. Anybody. Dumb shit too like, ‘what’s the weather like over there’ or ‘lady gaga’.

He takes the cold shoulder I’m givin him for a minute then says, “So it’s like that.”

I finish my important text before getting back to him. “Lemme give you a life lesson about girls. Don’t fuckin promise something if you can’t deliver. ”

“It’s krumpin!”

I shrug. This dude just doesn’t know. He is chicken shit. He brings somethin up and doesn’t follow through. So, is he gonna say we gonna go to Chris Ruth’s Steakhouse but take me to Taco Bell instead? (True story). So, is he gonna say he won’t cheat but then I find pics of him making out with some chic at the club? (True story). Is he gonna propose to me and give me a ring and then lock me away in his mansion with alcohol and servants? (Not a true story, just wishful thinking.)

He tries again, seeing as I’m really focused on this new text.

“I’m willing to learn.”

“Do I look like a fuckin school teacher? I don’t got time for that.”

I get up and get on my cell phone, pretending someone’s on the other end.

“Hey girl! What you doin? I’m just sittin on the train, bored.”

The dude finally goes away.

First lesson=  FOLLOW THROUGH!

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